Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Green Sneakers

part 4

...the funeral home was only a few miles form the house, but Jane had wanted to get there early to have some time by herself with her sister.
Cara and Jane walked from the car in stride with each other, Jane's arm hooked to Cara's.

Cara's heart sank deep inside her chest as she stood at the soda machine. Just beyond the machine, Cara's little brother, Charlie, lay fighting for his life. Cara and her family were at the hospital intermittently and together during Charlie's grueling treatments. The family vowed to stand together and stay strong and see Charlie through his new battle with cancer. Care felt a bit guilty as she slid her quarters into the soda machine and saw that her favorite drink was sold out. She immediately started to beat herself up in her head. "You're so stupid, Cara! Your brother is lying in an ill lit hospital room, and you're upset because the dumb soda machine is sold out of root beer!!? Grow up!!!" she yelled to herself.
It had been about 2 months since the Cane family had been first apprised with Charlie's condition. Charlie turned 6 in the hospital. Jane was faithful to Cara, just as Cara was faithful to Jane during Ally's death. It was the summer after Ally passed away and Jane wasn't doing any better than when she first learned of Ally's death.

Positive spirits and encouraging words filled Charlie's room. The Cane's were sure that their little bout would pull through. And He did for awhile. The night after Cara stood at the dumb soda machine, Jane called to see if Cara wanted to hang out and go see a movie. Jane wanted to get Cara out of the hospital even if just for a few hours. The Cane's took turns staying over at the hospital, and it was Cara's turn, but her parents were happy to see her get some fresh air. Jane arrived about 30 minutes after phoning Cara. Cara jumped from the chair next to Charlie's bed, startled. Her phone was buzzing, it was Jane. Cara stood up and blew Charlie a kiss as she walked out of the room.

Jane and Cara had a great time together, and didn't talk much about life's current circumstances. They just had fun, it's what the both of them needed. They laughed through the movie, and exchanged funny stories about themselves as younger kids over some hot chocolate after the movie. It was alight-hearted evening full of humor and just best friend chatter. It was a satisfying night and a much needed break from life for both girls. It was getting late, and Jane needed to get home, so she drove Cara back to the hospital.

The girls said goodnight to each other and Jane drove away. Cara walked through the swinging doors, and into the waiting room. She looked up from putting her phone back into her purse and the chairs in the lobby, empty only a few hours before, were now filled with members of Cara's family. Cara stopped and her smile quickly faded, her eyes wide open. "What... why are you all here, where's Charlie?" Cara's Uncle Dave, her favorite uncle, looked up at Cara, his cheeks puffy and said, "Charlie headed home," and glanced upward with his eyes to the ceiling.
Cara fell to her knees. She knew what Uncle Dave meant, Charlie was in Heaven. Cara knelt in shock, and didn't make a sound. Tears didn't well up, her lip didn't quiver, her shoulders didn't shake. She just kneeled there in utter silence.

The elevator buzzed, indicating someone was getting off on the lobby floor. Cara didn't even lift her head. She just observed the pattern of circles on the hard floor. then she heard the sound of slow, heavy steps walking toward her. She recognized her mother's shoes but didn't move from her spot. Mrs. Cane knelt beside her daughter, and whispered, "Love you, Cara. I love you so much."

The next 12 hours were a blur for Cara. she was awake all night in her grandparent's guest room. Cara didn't want to be alone that night. She called Jane the next morning, notifying her about the recent turn of events.

"Hi Jane, it's me," Cara said somberly. Jane knew why her best friend was calling her, she could sense it in Cara's voice.
"Cara, I love you. And i want you to know that it's OK for you to need me. I want to be needed by you. I have no words to offer any sense of comfort, only know that i will do anything for you. Just give me the word, and I'll do it."
Cara lost her composure. She doubled over on the floor and cried into her pillow. Jane stayed on the line, and remained silent. Jane was immediately consumed by flashbacks of seeing her sister for the last time. Her year anniversary was nearly 2 weeks away. Jane shook her head as if to chase the thoughts away and whispered through the phone, "I wish i could fix it, Cara. I wish i could strip the pain right off of you. I wish i could carry it for you. I can tell you that i will do anything i can to just be a normal person. I'll just continue to be your friend. nothing will change. I will still be your best friend."
Cara sniffled, and managed to muster a "thank you," and slowed down her breathing.  "I love you so much,"  Jane said softly. Cara whispered back, "I know Jane, I know."
"I'll call you soon, Cara, get some rest, don't think, just cry, just let yourself go, give yourself a break. Go for a walk, write in a journal, play a game, do whatever you need to do. I'll see you when i see you. I'll come over when you're ready to be with people."
Cara started to cry again, "Jane," Cara managed, "I'm ready right now."
"Ok, Cara, I'm on my way," Jane replied. "After all," Jane said, "it is Tuesday."

end part 4

Monday, March 28, 2011

Green Sneakers

part 3

Jane sadly closed her tattered journal, wiped the few tears that remained nestled under her eyelids, and pushed herself down into her blankets. She could hear the wind ignorantly blowing against the bedroom window. She was praying that the noise was loud enough to drown out her gasps between her desperate cries. She lay back, her cheek soaking the pillow with her now fountain of tears. She was confused. She pulled her sister's favorite rugby hoodie close as she tried to convince herself to fall asleep. But who was she kidding? The old analog alarm clock next to the bed stared back at her with an evil, mocking grin. The clock read 3:30am. Jane was due to be awake just 3 hours from then. Jane thought to herself, "I can't possibly deal with this, i can't deal with my emotions and other peoples' emotions all in the same day, i just can't."
Jane played scenarios in her head of how her sister's funeral would play out. Jane was to share a little bit about her only sister, her only sibling. Jane could carely stomach the thought, how would she be able to actually go through with it?
Two and a half hours later, Jane groggily turned over and punched the alarm clock, knocking it to the floor. She groaned as she leaned over the side of the side of the bed to retrieve the alarm clock, and as she did, something caught her eye under the bed. Still hanging upside down over the bed, and her hair in disarray, she gingerly reached for the little box. She was half expecting that someone would reach for her hand or that Ally would come charging through the door and jump on top of her, raging mad that her sister was going through her personal stuff again. But no such thing happened. Jane just reached for the box and pulled it out, and lifted herself back onto the bed upright. She started to nervously shake as thoughts of her sister flooded her brain. She calmed herself and Jane lightly shook the box. There really wasn't a sound made from the little box. Jane continued in her tactics in trying to figure ou the contents of the box, but she just couldn't bring herself to open the box. the outside of the box reminded Jane of an antique-looking jewelry box, only it was modernized by Ally's creative side. There was a small picture of Ally and Jane glued to the bottom. Ally also engraved her initials, A.J, into the top of the box. (p.s. this isnt part of the story, but i just realized that my friend who died, her initials were kind of startled me as i typed it.) anyway, back to the story...
After Jane discovered the picture, she slowly set the box down n the bed. She decided, "This is stupid, it's not mine, i'm not going through this box."
Jane left the small box sitting on the bed and got up to get ready. Jane had decided she would NOT be adorning the traditional "mourning garb" as she so lovingly described to her mother the night before.
"Ally's favorite color was, i mean is, i mean, it's, her favorite color is orange," Jane stammered as she was leafing through her closet of clothes. She pulled her clothes off the hangers and made her way into the bathroom....
After her shower, Jane's thoughts were almost immediately consumed with what remained in that small, seemingly insignifant box. She shook her head, "Just get ready, Jane," she said to herself in the mirror. Jane practiced what she would say at the funeral later. She was quite impressed at how un-nervous she was. The reality of her sister really being gone had not set in, and wouldnt for a very long time. Just as God was about to talk with Jane, she swithced on her hair dryer, and turned up the volume on her CD plyaer, and continued to get ready. He wasn't offended. And what's more, He even knew He would not be heard by a grieving Jane. But He did it because He loved her, to prove that He was there even when she didn't know. Cara readied herself also for the funeral. She and Jane were going to ride together, and Cara, her best friend, vowed she would be anywhere at anytime for Jane through her grief-stricken journey.
Cara somberly climbed the stairs to Jane's room and met a light-hearted Jane at the bathroom door. jane was singing loudly and laughing. Cara, confused, decided to join in on the "fun" Jane seemed to be haivng by herself. Jane looked up to find Cara singing with her and her bright smile widened.
"Are you ready to head out?" Jane asked. Cara shook her head, still smiling and playing air guitar. The two friends walked out of the house and into Cara's car, and left for the untimely funeral.
"Hey Cara," Jane started, "I found somehting under Ally's bed today. I think i want to open it, and i almost did, but i think i want you there with me when i do. Is that ok?" she asked hesitantly. Cara nodded, agreeing and said, "Of course, whatever you want me to do, i'll do. Wherever, and whenever you want to, just let me know." she responded in a cheerful voice.
"Cara, I'm lucky to have you..." Jane said, and her voice trailed off.
"Hey," Cara responded, "I'm the lucky one. I wished i had a sister my whole life, I mean i love my brohter, but it's just cool to have someone to understand you," Cara finished as she put the car in park and pulled her keys out of the ignition. Cara shed one lonely tear as she looked back to Jane. Jane smiled big and wiped away Cara's tear with the back of her hand.

end part 3

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Green Sneakers

part 2

Life wasn’t always so nail-biting and unpredictable. Jane and Cara were born 2 months apart, Jane was the older of the two. Jane was born in late August, Cara near the beginning of October. Not only did the 2 girls share near Indian summer birthdays, but also their love of travel.
At a very young age, Jane was exposed to many different sites of the country. Her father was a Christian businessman, traveling year-round to many different major companies. He brought his family everywhere, along with the wisdom of teamwork through the teachings of Jesus to the many different companies he visited. Jane and Ally grew up quick. Ally was 3 years older than her sister, Jane. Jane began her travels with the rest of the Jewell family when she was just 4 years old, and Ally 7. Jane and Ally’s parents continued to gain notoriety through their mind-opening teachings. Burn-out finally caught up with them and after 9 years of constant on-the-go life, the Jewell’s decided to pack it up and go home. Jane was just about to turn 13 and Ally was a very “grown up” 16. Ally’s parents promised her that when she was 16 she could decide if she wanted to continue to be home-schooled, or go to public school. Mrs. Jewell could barely finish her question to Ally before she answered with a resounding, “I hate home-school, Mom. I want to experience REAL life already.” Mr. and Mrs. Jewell consented and told Ally they’d sign her up the following week. The only thing the Jewell’s didn’t tell Ally was that they had indeed signed her up at the end of the school year the year before because they knew Ally much preferred public school over her “sheltered” life at home.
Jane was the shyer one of the 2. She watched as her older sister Ally began to quickly fall into the world of boys and drugs. She didn’t dare try to get into her sister’s business. However, at one point, Jane had enough of just watching her sister slowly slip away from reality. By the time Ally was at the end of her senior year, she had tried nearly every drug under the sun, compliments of her on-again off-again male friend, James.
Jane absolutely hated what James’s influence was doing to her sister she so desperately wanted to reach out to. Ally loved to sing and write music. Music was the greatest thing that connected Ally and Jane. Through their years of growing up and traveling. Ally and Jane loved making up their own words to well-known songs they would hear on the radio. Ally was a master at piano. Jane looked up to her so much, and even started to learn a bit of piano herself, hoping to be even a smidgen as good as her prodigy sister. However, the music-playing, piano-learning quickly turned to dust once Ally discovered the single greatest thing to a teenager… “love.” Once Ally started high school, she left her nagging sister behind. Ally was too old for that “kid stuff” she’d tell her sister. Jane was heartbroken, though she’d never share that with anyone but herself, and mostly in her pink and brown polka-dotted journal. Jane and Ally even shared a room together, but soon after Christmas the same year Ally began high school, that changed too. Ally came home one day from school to find her room half empty, and Ally walking up the stairs from the basement. Ally had taken over the computer den as her own. Jane swallowed hard and dragged her heavy feet into her room and slowly pushed the door closed. An empty feeling swept over her as warm drops of water began to slide down her freckled, flushed cheeks. She was still breathing heavy from running home from the bus stop. Jane was excited to show Ally a new piece she had learned in piano class that day at school. However, it was obvious to Jane that Ally had her mind engulfed in much more interesting things. Jane slid her hand off the door knob and gave way to the heaviness pushing down on her. She blinked her tears off the tops of her cheeks, and began to cry. She slowly and quietly let her feet out from under her and leaned up against the door with her head resting against the tops of her knees. In her head, she could hear the things she wanted to say to Ally, but knew that she’d never have the guts to say anything to her. She also knew how long it had been since the last time she had even made mention about God. She kept hearing over and over in her head the things she just wanted to say to God, but felt ashamed and tried to cram it back down passed the lump in her throat. Meanwhile, she could hear Ally pacing back and forth in the living room, talking on the phone with James. Ally couldn’t sit still when she was on the phone…especially with James.
“Please God, don’t let her hear me crying like a baby, please God, please, I’ll do whatever you want me to, just don’t let her hear me,” Jane kept pleading. But the tears continued to soak the faded part of her jeans on her knees.
She finally composed herself and thought, “Why am I so upset…?”
She tried reasoning with herself, and coming up with her own answers and excuses, but none of them seemed right, or even ‘good enough’ to be true, or at least half true. Finally, in between her deep breaths, Jane began to reason and bargain with God.
“Ok God, if you’re really there, I want You to…”
She continued for a time, and gave up. Jane pulled herself up off the floor, and caught a glimpse of her disheveled hair, and puffed up cheeks in the mirror and chuckled at her reflection. It was the first time she’d laughed in a few days. She stared at the mirror and said quietly aloud ‘to Ally’, “All because I love you,” shaking her head.
That was the last memory Jane had before she was whisked away from her barely recognizable car. The memory quickly faded as Jane pinched herself to make sure she was really staring God in the face. Sentences raced across Jane’s mind like that of a scrolling marquee, but couldn’t form her lips around the words. She was awestruck. She stood with her mouth hanging open, hands in her baggy sweats, and eyebrows perked. One might think Jane’s current condition was due to the fact that she was finally meeting the Almighty. On the contrary, Jane’s appearance mocked that of one confused as to why on EARTH she was standing in front of God in the first place. She thought to herself, “I must be dreaming…”
“Pinch yourself again, Jane, you’re not dreaming,” He said with a sort of warmth in His tone.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Green Sneakers

hi guys.  this will be a series of many different posts.  (and by 'guys' i mean 2 things)
1.) 'guys' includes gals
2.) i might be the only 'guys' that reads this

but that's ok.  i'll post it anyway.  about a year and a half ago, i began spontaneously writing.  i'm not really sure what or why i was writing.  but i had the urge to write.  it cannot be explained.  perhaps maybe inside and out of the words written after this will shed some light on what it is and why it is i am writing.  i was walking through some personal tragedy (and on some days, i continue to walk through the valley) and writing was just a way to open up, even if to a 15 inch laptop screen.  or a small journal.  i've decided to open it up a bit further.  to a blog!  This start of a fiction story has been dubbed 'Green Sneakers'.  it started out as a fountain of feelings spilled out onto a page...and then shared with a few people and now i shall pitch it to a blog page.  to be read, or read over or unread. it doesn't matter.  so, to my small audience, i launch a personal side of my writing.  a piece of fiction...from my life.  i will post a little bit each day and continue on writing.  currently, 'Green Sneakers' sits as an unfinished, unedited 9 page document in Microsoft Word. 
perhaps it will never be more than that, but i have a feeling the characters are ripping the seams to get out. 
i hope you enjoy.

Green Sneakers
part 1

It wasn’t anything out of the norm for Jane(?) to be late. She’s one of those kinds that remembers something last minute and needs to run into the house for something. Then will get half way out of the driveway, and forget her purse, which had her cell phone in it, and all of life’s necessities…at least the necessities a young gal would need. It was one of those such nights when Jane was running a bit late. Her parents had just walked through the door, one right after another. They exchanged greetings, and jostled through the kitchen looking for dinner’s menu. Above their chatter, Jane snuck in her reminder that she’d be heading over to Cara’s house for their Tuesday night movie and girl time. Jane’s parents, without looking away from the fridge, told Jane to have a good night, and to not stay up late, and avoid eating too much junk food. She grabbed her keys and hustled through the door. Her mother’s words followed her out the door in an echo saying, “Drive safe, Jane…”
“Ayyyy, I will, mother…,” Jane thought to herself as she jumped off the top stair and raced out of the garage and down the drive to her car.
It was a routine that Jane and Cara had instituted since they had both gone off to college, and then come back home for the summer time. Both Jane and Cara had grown up together, and lived in the same quaint, suburban neighborhood since they were 10. After Jane graduated from high school, her parent’s decided to move to the country, to Jane’s disliking. She was the last one out of the house and the Jewell’s wanted to get out of the city, and not have to worry about school districts and catching the bus. They just wanted a piece of land and some room to grow. Jane’s oldest sister got caught up in the grueling world of drugs, and succumbed to an overdose. While Cara’s younger brother, Charlie, died from complications with cancer at a very young age of 6.
Movie Tuesday was an every week ritual that the girls were faithful to even when it seemed that nothing else was faithful to them, they could always count on Movie Tuesday. Wednesday was the only day that Jane and Cara had off at the same time from work. They vowed to keep their summer time Movie Tuesdays no matter what. Even during their time at college on opposite sides of the country, they tried to sneak in telephone/movie dates. Jane and Cara would choose a movie, and start it at the same time, and watch the same movie at the same time while they were on the phone…so it was like Movie Tuesday. It would suffice until the summer time for them......
On this particular evening in May, Jane remained consistent in her “being late” routine. Because it was routine, Cara thought nothing of it, and decided to start popping the popcorn so that it’d be ready by the time Jane came bursting through the door with her over sized pillow and sleeping bag, already dressed in pajama pants and donning one of her sister’s old baggy lacrosse sweatshirts. Jane’s sister, Ally, loved lacrosse. Wearing Ally’s old lacrosse garb brought comfort to Jane.
Jane and Cara decided to set the date for 7pm every Tuesday. Though, 7 really meant like 7:30 by the time Jane arrived. Cara’s house was nearly a 20-minute drive for Jane, which she really didn’t mind. Jane worked as a nurse’s assistant during the day at Santa Monica’s General Hospital. She had been on her feet for a total of 10 hours that day already, and looked forward to Movie Tuesday, and the sanity that seemed to refill her during her 20-minute adventure to Cara’s house. Jane wasn’t a loaner, but she liked her alone time, and if she could only salvage a 20-minute drive as her alone time, she’d take it. For the first 15 minutes of her drive, Jane would keep her radio off, and just breathe, and think about her day. After her thoughts had downloaded, she would, hesitantly at first, begin to describe her day to God. She would get more comfortable as her drive continued, but it always ended the same way. Jane would get frustrated, and mad at herself that she’d spent a whole 15 minutes just gabbing about her day to God, and didn’t let Him have a minute to talk. Her one-way discussions with God would consist of the same thing every Tuesday, like clockwork. Just like the Movie Tuesday. Jane would unload about work that day, and her conversation always drifted to what was really bothering her.
Jane had questioned her sister’s death since the day she found out that Ally was dead. Ally checked herself into a counseling center to get cleaned up. Ally made great strides, and remained sober for 2 months. After 2 months of being clean, Ally’s boyfriend of 4 years was killed instantly when he tripped over some tools on a roof he was repairing, causing him to slip off some 20 feet. James landed on his head and broke his neck, killing him on impact. Shortly after learning of James’s death, Ally closed herself in her room and pulled out a stash of drugs she had hidden in her dresser drawer. She sniffed, and smoked and swallowed every last ounce that she had. Jane found her sister, her only sibling, lying peacefully on her bed with a picture of James crumpled up in her hand. From that day forward, Jane hadn’t been the same. And who could be?
Jane’s conversations always ended with questions and bewilderment and anger and sometimes tears aimed toward God. Jane would then turn up her music, wipe her tear-stricken face with the back of her hand, and continue on towards Cara’s house. Leaving Jane with 5 minutes to bring herself back from her hell of depression to put on a happy face for the Cane’s…whom had also gone through their own hell of death.
Charlie was 5 when he was diagnosed with leukemia. The Canes were devastated, but vowed to never give up and lose the battle to cancer. Their determination was short-lived and Charlie never made it to chemotherapy sessions. The cancer rapidly advanced through Charlie’s little body and literally “ate” him alive. Cara was never the same either, just as Jane was not after her sister Ally passed away. Jane and Cara leaned on each other for strength, and silently screamed out for help. Help they thought would never come.
The time on the microwave clock now read 7:49. Cara tried to ignore her thoughts of worry, and decided to clean up her room. She quickly finished in just 10 short minutes. Her heart began to beat a little faster as her eyes glanced at the time and the clock now read 8:05pm. Cara felt like the clock was more so playing an evil trick on her, like the clock knew that Cara was beginning to be worried about Jane’s arrival and decided to speed up time. But Cara quickly flipped open her phone and read the same time, 8:05, with no messages from Jane about a late arrival. Cara scrolled down to Jane’s number and moved her thumb over the “send” button, but dismissed her anxiety and shut her phone. Cara nervously began biting her nails, a habit she’d picked up shortly after her little brother was diagnosed with cancer.
(disclaimer: this next part is just kind of inserted as an active thought i felt i needed to write. don't let it confuse you.)
Jane never makes it to Cara’s house. Instead, Jane drives by Cara’s street by mistake because she got distracted. Her CD started to skip in the CD player and Jane tried to fix it, but for the split second she took her eyes off the road, she veered off the road into a ditch, flipping her car 4 times. Jane was killed instantly when her car slammed into a tree after it finished flipping.
Jane was immediately face to face with the living God. She stared at Him with her chestnut brown eyes, the same ones that He had given to her 23 years before, bewildered and caught very off guard. She didn’t really know what was going on. Sure she’d read about heaven in the Bible, heard it described in Sunday school, and on television, but nothing that was ever said about the place could accurately describe it. There was no golden gate, or saint standing at the door. Jane wasn’t standing on a cloud barefoot or donning a pair of wings. She was wearing her sister’s grubby green lacrosse sweatshirt with her favorite sweatpants, and her weathered green sneakers. She wore them everywhere, apparently, even to Heaven.
end part 1 

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Hey!!! Help a sister out! (and her fiancé)

Hello all!!! This is extremely important. Please vote for my friends Jude and Julianne. They are entered into a contest for a honeymoon getaway!!! Just go to the following link and click on vote! It's that simple!The voting ends in less than 24 hours as of now!!! The video with the most votes wins a luxury honeymoon getaway. And these two sure do deserve it! The video contest is a clip of how Jude proposed to Julianne. And I may be biased... But it's a really stinkin awesome video. Please help them out by voting!!!! Please and thank you sooooo very much!!!

self talk

if you say you can't, you won't.  if you say you can, well then, i'd say you have a better chance at achieving what you set out to do than not.  sometimes circumstances get in the way.  life winds tight and sometimes shakes loose. but your self talk can make or break you.  i said to myself that i could never run.  especially not after nearly blowing out my knee that still gives me hell to this day, 6 years later.  then one day i got sick of hearing that.  so i got up, and ran.  and i kept running.  until one day, i went out and ran 9 miles.  sometimes you just gotta buckle down and go forward with a full head of steam.  sometimes, you just gotta grin and bear it.  sometimes, it sucks.  there's a real person behind all of these words, behind all of these posts, behind this sometimes 'flowery' lingo.  i have a heart, a soul, a mind and the ability to encourage, or do damage.  and so do you.  

step out.  step up.  challenge yourself.  challenge your faith.  challenge your life.  tell yourself you can't do something!  and you probably won't.  tell yourself you can do something, and you probably will.  even if you don't get it on the first try.   

no pictures. no links. no bull(oney).

ok...maybe just one...

Wednesday, March 23, 2011


if you like reading lists...this blog post is for you. but more so, it is for me.  sometimes, gosh, i just got some stuff on my brain! and it seems like it is just taking up space.  and for no other reason than to just get them off of there, i'm gonna 'write' them down. just so happens, these 'things' have an audience now.  and who knows, maybe you'll learn something new (and weird) about me! which is always fun!

category: music
commence, list
-i am the best air guitar player (that i know of)
-the acoustics in the bathroom really DO improve amateur singers (ahem)
-for some reason, Taylor Swift. i just like her music
-i wake up with songs
-i sing to my puppy...  =) puppy listens when i sing. haha
-i'm a sucker for anything acoustic
-i like the song, 'Marry Me' by Train. here, have a listen...  

category: dislikes
comence, list
-cleaning off my car after it snows
-walking on ice
-folding sheets
-scrubbing grime off of any surface
-dirty fingernails (blaahhahhghgadhofinaoive!!) means gross
-burnt marshmallows                      
-a skipping CD!!!!! ahhhhh!!
-buying batteries
-buying gas!!!
-paying for a haircut
-someone leaves without saying bye

category: like (not like the "like" button on facebook)
commence, list
-warm socks from the dryer
-tying up my hockey skates
-my puppy's high jumps even when i'm only gone for 5 minutes
-listening to music
-running outside
-getting paid
-when my ring is too big for the finger its on
-getting snail mail
-guitar players
-going to the movies
-eating popcorn

category: love
commence, list
-i love my friends. so much
-making a difference, a good one
-my fam
-my puppy
-walking in a shoe store
-driving/road trips
disclaimer: this is not me. or my Stu
-my puppy gives me high fives!
-a sense of accomplishment
-seeing people i haven't seen in a long time

category: things that bother me
commence, list
-people that don't care
-giving up
-when my sock is such that it requires me taking off my shoe to fix it
-when my foot itches
-finding silver hairs in MY HEAD!!!

category: T.V.
commence, list
-the office
-Criminal Minds
-The Biggest Loser
-Law & Order: SVU

category: movies
commence, list
-Date Night
-Just Go With It
-Mighty Ducks
-The Proposal
-Bounty Hunter
-The Blind Side

category: i miss you
commence, list
(i also miss the 'Spice Girls' you should check this out...)!/video/video.php?v=9206896124
-lady icehawks
-Elim friends
-Cher and Brooke's green couch
-snow-free pavement
-$2.50 gas
-running outside
-Sarah Lehman!!! i miss you a lot!

...lunch break and Criminal Minds. thanks for reading

Sunday, March 20, 2011

solving life's mile at a time.

there are few times in my 24 hours of life each day that i feel invincible.  the feeling when you think, 'gosh, i really could just go do anything right now and nothing would stop me.'
well, maybe im the only one. but i guess this is kinda why i started to blog.  i dont really care what people comment back to me, if they do at all, or what they think.  if that sounds's really not meant to be.  it just means that im confident (enough) in my writing that i dont really care what people think.  and until i win Pulitzer prizes, i will continue to not care. 

i feel most invincible when i run.  today, i felt like i could run forever.  and if forever means 2.02 miles, then i did run forever.  it's funny how many things are able to distract us during the day, or even the night time.  when i run, i feel the least distracted...even though i have my iPod telling me every 5 minutes how far i've gone in miles, what my pace is and a heart monitor on my wrist that blinks my heart rate and target zone.  SO much going on...but it means little to me. 

I think we worry too much.  i mean...there are good reasons to worry.  and im not discrediting anyone's situation.  we all have our own.  i'm going to spare you all by keeping my worry list to myself.  a few days ago while i was running a song came on my iPod sung by a close friend of mine.  it spoke of the glory of God.  i started to think..."Running is like, running towards the glory of the Lord." and then i thought, "no, it's not. if i'm runing towards the glory of the Lord, then that means that im not walking in it."  I'd much rather be walking in it than running after it.  the earth may move, the earth may quake.  Japan is proof that it has.  But the glory of the Lord is ever present.  i wish there was something i could do to make all of life's worries melt away, and watch them blow away like ashes.  but i cannot. 

if they would just lower gas prices, people would buy more gas and they would still make a profit.  if they would lower the cost of....everything.  people would buy more.  if they would stop laying people off, if they would keep the jobs here.   i hate calling places in India.  if they would keep the jobs here.  and the list goes on and on and on....and further on. 

but God never changes. 

Thursday, March 3, 2011

so what's the point?

i think i have come to somewhat of a reason as to why blogging exists...well for me anyway.  shoot...i just forgot what i was gonna say....
don't you just hate when that happens!? 

yes i did say subtle reminder...
i have to subtly remind myself that just because i have a cyber piece of my life on display (no matter how futile or anything otherwise) there's nothing that says i have to write a new blog every other day. It's not like it's some kind of New Year's resolution.  maybe it was just a resolution. i resolute to start blogging. and i did. and i have! i guess. if this is what blogging is...and until people remember me on my 100th birthday for the riveting rhyming ravishing kids books i mass produce, well, then i will blog when i feel like it (happy birthday, Dr. Seuss...) 

Can bloggers be self conscious?  why, yes! they certainly can!  I mean, if im a real life blogger, then yes, they can be self conscious.  about what?  no one can see them. they can't even see themselves as they blog about.  im self conscious about my writing.  which is why i dickered with myself and the world wide web in the first place.  my writing was something i kept private. it was something i only shared with a minimal amount of people. and i think for more selfish reasons than anything.  i actually liked reading my own writing.  i liked reading and re-reading my scribbled handwriting that sometimes only my eyes could read. and i think i wanted to keep that to myself. it was something that i knew that i did that i actually enjoyed. if that makes sense.  and the thought of many pairs of eyes scanning my personal quandaries and triumphs, bewilderment and understanding, my ah-ha! moments and puzzling alike, well, it kind of frightened me. Perhaps that 'f' word is too harsh. but not far off.  in my wildest dreams (yes they can be wild...) i'd imagine maybe having a couple books on a bookshelf somewhere.  or some lying on the floor in some teenager's room next to an over sized bean bag. 

most recent wildest dream...2 nights ago. after probably not enough sleep.  after having not slept for nearly 3 days (cuz i work overnights) i dreamt i scored the winning goal in a hockey game...with a spoon.  yes, a cereal spoon. i shoot left handed...and folks, not only did i score the winning goal with a spoon, but i scored it with a right handed curve.  now...go ahead and dare to tell me that that isn't wild.  yea. that's what i thought.  most of my talents seem to exist only in my dreams! ha!

Dare to dream...