Sunday, January 30, 2011

i ate a donut AND played hockey...all in one day

it's amazing how anything could alter your mood, your overall reaction to things, your smile, or lack of one. 
it's an amazing thing to take care of yourself.  you rarely hear it from the current generation of young people, but moreso from those ahead of us that end a conversation with, "ok, take care!"  I think we should open our arms as wide as they can go and receive that care.  Hey, it's ok to splurge...on yourself!!!  Chocolate cake, a donut, a movie, a NAP!  Anything that would benefit you for once in a while.  Put on your stretchy, big sweatpants, your favorite shirt, or hoody, comfy warm slippers, plop (yes, jump in the air and fall on your butt...or plop) on the couch, stretch out, cover up with your warmest blanket, snuggle up with you (and in my case, my favorite little man, Stuie) and watch a friggen movie.  Watch Teen Mom reruns, MTV, an old movie.  It is ok to make time for yourself.  After all, you gotta live with you.  So take care of you!

This is what i am NOT saying...become a vagabond, and give up on getting dressed every morning, neglecting jobs, homework, etc.  Maybe don't go more than a day without a shower, for the love.  Thank you.  No, 'woe is me, i'm just gonna give up' just a, "Whoa, it's me time."

Today, i ate a donut AND i played hockey.  And ya know what, I deserved it. 
Take care,


Thursday, January 27, 2011

if you're happy and ya know it, blog about it

I think sometimes we can get lost in the future when the present is staring us in the face. Present might begin to be a little offended at our apparent disdain when we start our facebook and twitter posts as, "I wish..." rather than, "thank you for..."
It's easy to wish for things.  a little proof....imagine you somehow come along to some money, a LOT of money.  Now...count how many seconds (or milliseconds) it takes for you to start listing off the things you would buy, pay off, rent, give...the list goes on.  Now, see how much longer the seconds are when you think of something right now that you are thankful for...

"If i had a million dollars...."
"I wanna be a billionaire..."

I just wanna be happy with what i can give and what i got...right now.
-Jesus in my heart
-house to call home
-my hockey girls  =)
-a puppy
-my own room
-gas in my car
-socks on my feet
-a closet full of clothes (and blankets)
-glasses for my less than perfect eyeballs
-life abundant

if you're happy and you know it...thank God for it.  And maybe give some credit to Present...he's gettin' jealous of all the attention you're givin' to Future.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

sometimes, i just feel like wearing a hoody

I'll I've grown up, looks have become more of a concern to me than they have ever before.  Sometimes...i think the full-length mirror in my room is more disgusted with the length of time spent looking at me than i am looking at its reflection.  If the mirror had facial expressions, i'd imagine it would be cocking its head to the side, sticking up a bony hand to cover its mouth as it yawned as if to say, "Didn't you already wear those jeans this week? And i think you wore that hoody for half the day 2 days ago." or maybe, "You're not really leaving the house looking like that are you?"  I shrink back and think, "You're right, Full Length, i did wear this hoody! Shoot!" (insert mini panic attack.) Clothes and dresser drawers flying all over the place, my little dog huddled on top of a pile of clothes that didn't make the cut for the day. Before i know it, i glance at my outdated alarm clock and feel shame as i see that i've wasted 27 minutes trying to find something to wear.  I dig back through the pile of oucast clothes, offering my sincere apology to my favorite pair of jeans and comfy hoody.  And no matter what pair of shoes i dig out of my basket of variety, i always, ALWAYS slip my feet into the more-than-worn out dress shoes i've had for 5 years. Casual, and comfy.  Soles half-falling off in the front and back of the shoe, faded and faithful. 
I'm perfect with all my flaws and i'm learning how to be ok with that.  It ain't easy, and sometimes a bit messy. but i'm stuck with me, and so are you!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

from a different perspective...

I can't take credit for the perspective I'm wanting to share, but share it, I shall!  I have begun to develop a different, newer love for music and all its meanings.  One can only assume a meaning if it is not obvious to the listener.  However, based on some minute researching, I've come to know that my interpretation of this song by the band, Coldplay, is not entirely off kilter. 
During my Junior year of Bible school, a Freshman called me out and wanted to encourage me.  She said one day she was listening to her music on shuffle and said to God, "God, choose the next song."  The song that came on was "Yellow" by Coldplay.  She told me to listen to the song in a perspective I'd not thought of.  My first impression of the song before being told to listen to it from a new angle was, "I'm not really sure what this song means, but it has a cool beat!"  She said, "Listen to the words carefully and think of it as God singing to you."
Here are the lyrics to "Yellow" by Coldplay

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah, they were all yellow.
I came along,
I wrote a song for you,
And all the things you do,
And it was called yellow.
So then I took my turn,
Oh what a thing to have done,
And it was all yellow.
Your skin
Oh yeah,oh yeah your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful,
do You know, you know I love you so,
You know I love you so.
I swam across,
I jumped across for you,
Oh what a thing to do.
Cos you were all yellow,
I drew a line,
I drew a line for you,
Oh what a thing to do,
And it was all yellow.
Your skin,
Oh yeah your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful,
do you know for you,
I’d bleed myself dry,
For you I’d bleed myself dry.
It’s true, look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine for,
Look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine.
Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And all the things that you do.

Here's to you, Kat. Thanks for thinking of me.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Just push the call button...

It's what the nurse tells me everytime i walk into the room i am sitting in for 8 straight hours.  i'm a patient sitter at the local hospital. My first 2 times were AWFULLLLL. I wanted to jump out the window. Since then (fingers crossed!!!) the patients i've been with were either; a.)sleeping, or b.) needing an escort to the bathroom...and then falling back asleep. Here's hoping for more of them!
Anyway...I just finished my overnight shift and i think for the first time in my life, actually started guzzling the coffee i picked up from Tim Horton's on my ride home.  Sitting for 8 hours offers a lot of time to think.  So I thought.  Every once in a while I'd see the call light flicker on for the room across the hall, and a couple times, a stampede of nurses booking it to a code blue.  And i was reminded of something that every nurse tells me as they walk me to the lucky room of the night.  They give me the low down on the patient, and then like clockwork they end their spiel by saying, "Just push the call button if you need anything."  They smile and turn away to walk out and i can only assume that the smile was not b/c they'd be more than happy to come running in at my beck and call, but more of a sigh of relief that says silently across their face, "Thank GOD it's not me sitting there for 8 hours."  As soon as they walk out, I silently and ever so carefully, turn my head to face the sleeping giant!! ....I mean patient.  I say a silent prayer of petition...begging, really, that the patient would sleep through the night. If not for their own sanity and health, but for mine as well.  =) 
During the commercial breaks from all the late night USA reruns, my eyes wander about the dimly lit room and take in all that there is to take in.  Namely, a huge dry erase board stating the date, the Nurse and the Nurse aid, phone numbers, pagers, beepers and various postings.  The biggest font shown on an 8x11 piece of paper that reads, "Our answer your call light in less than 3 minutes."  I think to myself everytime my eyes glance over it, "3 minutes isn't too long for a patient that is about to piss the it?" My prayer focus abruptly changes from, "Please stay asleep, Patient X" to "OMG, please hurry!" 

Just push the call button if you need anything.  It's rarely I that needs anything.  When i push that call button, it's usually for the patient.  I liken that to my everyday life at the moment.  My heart starts to race when i run my finger over the bright orange call light button on the patient's remote control.  Sometimes, I even put the controller back down, afraid of bothering the Nurse that ASSURES me to call if i need ANYTHING.  Even for myself...but i hesitate.  Why?  To avoid being a nuisance (sp?), to avoid being a bother.  I think i'd be more of a bother if I too wet myself b/c i waited too long.  Then the nurse would have 2 bed-wetters on her hands.  Sometimes, I'm afraid to push the call button for God.  I guess I forget that I don't even need to.  As my mind races to figure out whether or not my plea is relevant, He already knows my anxieties. 
"Forget the call button", He says, "I'm here all the time."

Thursday, January 20, 2011

my fluttering journey of feeble-sized faith. (my first 'real' post.)

my fluttering journey of feeble-sized faith.

I think most days i strive so hard that i forget how hard i'm really striving. And for who...more importantly...for what? I'm not even sure. Jesus should be the 'Who' and the 'What'
But i think most days the words "who" and "what" are my posed questions as to 'who' and 'what' Jesus really is...and not just for me, to me, but for the world. He came to give life, and life abundantly. He has already given life...and life abundantly to me. Silly me. i've forgotten that it's not mine to keep...i should be giving it away. Because freely He i need to freely give. It's not that i hoard this abundant a husband may inadvertently hog all the covers at night from his bony, shivering wife. it's just that i've become like the whirl wind that causes snow drifts to pile in uneven heaps on roadsides. Rather...i am caught in the whirl wind. The blustering, windy, frigid wind that bites at bare skin and dries knuckles. I have so much floating around in my head that i've forgotten to live. Granted, i'll take being busy over the opposite. That would drive me crazy...i've done it, i know. the times when twiddling your thumbs is considered something penciled into your daily agenda. Twiddle twiddle twiddle reverse.
I'd rather be busy.
So much turmoil and tension surrounds the aura of who i am...i hate it. It doesn't define who or what i am....just what im walking through. I seem to feel like this is what was supposed to happen...not that a family gets hurt, relationships fall apart and feelings are the last thing on anyone's mind but that the enemy seeks to destroy and kill. Why not chip away at a family? Sometimes, in the rare moments of blissful silence, i bring myself back to remembering that though, yes, I am busy with outward, income-making, volunteering things, my heart is hurting. Not just because of the power of words that kill, but because i yearn. yearning is sometimes not a pleasant feeling. When your soul aches for that which you continue reaching out a carrot dangling in front of your nose (or a slice of pizza...what have you) and it just stays there. The kind of yearning that sometimes only a song sung to a quiet strum of a guitar can describe what you feel so deep inside. The innocence of each chord picked, like the breath of a newborn baby as it enters the world for the first and only time, it echoes the yearning that stretches out across your heart.

Jesus. He will sustain that yearning...that great thing about sustaining is that it's not fulfilled. He will not fulfill, or ever completely satisfy...because then you'd have no need for sense of yearning. And though at times, the yearning is even painful, having that sense of yearning completely satisfied is something that i don't ever want to experience while on this earth. Save it for eternity. I need Him. So desperately. So desperate in thoughts fumble around searching for the words to come splashing out over my lips that would cause Him to understand the validity of my plea. Rest, you fluttering, floating, feeble faith,
He already knows.

make a statement!

I'm jumpin' on the blog waggon.  An electronic, public journal. Eat your heart out, (blog) world!
Perhaps being accountable to even just writing maybe a couple times a week I can stay focused on the things that are really important to me.  Among many: Jesus, relationships, work balanced with play, and walking in the process of becoming.

stay tuned, you!