from the heart

.. .. .. .. .. .. .. da dum da dum da dum
not the Jaws soundtrack. it's my heart. there have been few times in my life where i can specifically remember where my heart felt like it was just chillin on my sleeve.  where my emotions were heightened enough that it seemed they were wearing me...rather than me wearing them.  i try to keep them under control.  perhaps they get tired of being held down.  so for some reason, this week, i've felt especially moody. at times crabby...but most times, just really emotional.  like a distant memory might dictate the smile or frown on my face.  when i close my eyes, (even now) it's like a gate that opens and allows a rush of emotion flush to my face.  flush...yes because i feel my face become a shade darker.  a degree warmer.  it leaves me speechless at times.  like, sometimes i think, "Gosh, I could be an amazing songwriter if it not for this darned writer's block." 

it's like i'm full of this stuff, this emotional creativity. this brain that is chock full of stuff.  but when i put pen to paper...or thumbs to iPod, or fingers to keys...it's all whisked away, like an eddy of leaves carried away in a brisk Fall breeze.  there. then gone.  it's like this...i'm on the brink of really discovering something about myself, maybe something that's crazy insane obvious to those around me...but has been buried by my own insecurities, my self-imposed limitations.  and this self discovery pounds on the brick wall of my heart.  the brick wall that stands erect smack dab in the middle of the path from my heart to my head.  from my analyzer mind to my emotion-ful heart. 

i see this field.  i'm standing in the tall grass.  hands on hips.  staring at the ground.  like i'm contemplating what to do.  not even how to get out of the field...just standing there. perplexed.  enthralled by my thoughts.  then i see this balloon.  yes, it appears from nowhere.  a bright red balloon with a long string.  i drop my hands from my hips.  i watch it float over me and i think..."I wonder which little kid lost their balloon...?"

Then i realize i'm the kid that lost it.  Inside of the balloon are all the things that i've told myself i could never do.  written on little slips of paper in my own handwriting.  i think about going after it.  but then i turn around and leave.  why...why do i do that?  you're thinking..."This is in your own head, and you don't even choose to go after the balloon full of dreams??!?!" 

Yea. you're right.  And the weird thing is that, even as i think about how crazy it is to NOT go after them...i can only ever see myself walking away from the dreamer balloon. 

You know you're obsessed when...

...for me, I already knew I was obsessed. But when I had that dream...twice!! I knew for sure then. This is a very sensitive side to me that I rarely share with anyone...if at all. But I suppose I shall keep you all entertained by digging a little deeper onto my psyche each post. I grew insanely obsessed with weight loss. There. I said it. I went insane. I spent hours online surfing this miracle pill and that diet plan. Clicking on this website link and furiously writing down 15 miracle fat burning foods. Which if you're interested...chicken and fish and green tea would be a great place to start. So would eating breakfast every morning. Cutting calories out of your diet. Exercising throughout the week. And if you're really on top of things, you'll do both. Every. Single. Day. I'm not saying that part is insane. Exercising is good for you in more ways than one. But when you spend more time avoiding the mirror than you do using it to cover the zit on your cheek...it's time to check yourself. Most people stand in front of the sink while brushing their teeth. I'm not most people. I stand off to the side. Away from the mirror. I avoid looking up at reflections in the mall or just generally out in public. I'm sure it's more obvious than I think it's not. but I do it. A few times on my overnight shifts at work I'll be absolutely enthralled by the 2 hour block of infamous infomercials. 6 week body makeover; eat more, exercise less. Lose 30 pounds in 40 days. Drink this shake instead of eating...twice a day!

Good grief, Charlie Scwarzenegger. It gets to be overwhelming. It gets to be all that's on your mind. It gets to be a little obsessive. The dream I had...twice...is just that. A dream. It's not a sign from God Almighty. It's not a vision. It's not the answer to my prayers. It was a dream I had. Twice. Because that's how obsessed I became. I had a dream I made the final cut to be on the Biggest Loser. And as I sat in my little interview tent waiting to be judged, I was horrified by what I heard. Things like:"she used to play hockey. Can you believe that? She thinks she's fast. She thinks she was actually a good skater. Can you believe that?" I looked down at my disgusting self feeling so ridiculed and when I looked down there was nearly nothing to me. I was skin and bones. And as the curtain flew back o reveal 2 trainers and. A former contestant the sound was almost unbearable. The sound of the metal curtain rings scraping against the metal curtain rod. It was the most awful sound. As I waited to hear my fate, the looks on their disgusted faces spoke to me my worst nightmares. They made me get up and do laps bc of how awful I looked. I could barely make it one time around. Not because I wasnt in good enough physical condition but because I was so weak and so small. I woke up so sad. I had the same dream the next night. The ridicule was no less.

I have realized that no matter what I do...I need to do it right. It's not a diet. It's a life change. And it's hard but it's so worth it. And when u feel most like a failure...you're definitely not. Take it from me. My pants sag in areas I never new existed. And I dry my clothes in the dryer hoping the heat will shrink them. I'm not done. I never wil be. But I'm on my way.

...and then I remembered I have a blog

I just got back from my break. I drank a vitamin water zero (so good. Lemonade flavor) and had some cheez-its. Not the best choice. But oh well. It keeps me awake for a few more hours. On my way out of the lounge I walked by a fixture hanging on the wall of a dated poem. In a very quick moment I felt my heart leap...like I wished I had penned the words that hung lonely on the wall...and then i wondered if it ever got read. I made my way back to my room and then it dawned on me that i have a blog..and I can write. I'm sitting between 2 elder men. Both are fall risks, one is coherent the other one has no clue. Luckily the confused one is asleep. But I have mastered the art of speaking too soon. So we shall see! My mind is wandering aimlessly like little fuzzies that float thru the air from those annoying cat tails. I'm thinking about my day's plans for wednesday. I should to home and sleep cuz I have to work again tonight. I should run bc I haven't since Saturday. I should get back on track with my life aftr being away and busy for the last month. I should i should I should I should. Blah blah blah!!! That vacation was wonderful. Fuzzy fuzzy fuzzy. Float. Anyway. It's crazy how just getting away for a significant amount of time can really open hour eyes to things. Mainly....myself. It's not like I rediscovered who i was but being away really helped me to see how much I've grown. How much more of a growed up I've become. I feel more mature. I feel like a real live adult. With adult Problems and adult sized issues and adult sized feet. It's like I can't fit my feet in those really awesome Velcro Power Rangers light up shoes anymore. I can't fit into them anymore. My adult sized wallet isn't a purple vinyl tri fold with a picture of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles anymore. it's got more zippers and sleeves for health care cards and ATM cards and voters card and real live money. Not play money. Which incidentally is always much more than normal bills anyway. I feel more of a responsibility to life and the tasks at hand. I feel more of a responsibility to my job and my hearts desires and just dealing with who I am. Which I'm learning isn't such an easy task in And of itself! I'm about to figure out who I really am I think completely for the first time. And I'm not saying my mind won't continue to aimlessly wander about fluttering like those cat tail fuzzies. It might wander much more. But even as I picture it now I see that the parameters in which my mind wanders will begin to encompass only thoughts that truly cause me to feel like I can be a real live grown up...with a child sized faith in Him.

How's that for some fluttering fuzzies floating around aimlessly?

I've got work to do

Sometimes...my job is frustrating. Sometimes...I feel like my job really isn't a job at all. Other than swiping my ID badge and getting a paycheck every 2 weeks...I feel rather useless. Don't get me wrong...I'm EXTREMELY grateful that I have a job. Very blessed even to have one. And to have one that pays well. This is what I'm trying to get across; i want to impact.

And someone strung out on drugs or suffering from dimentia is is not gonna be impacted by me...unless i bring them a sandwhich or the nurse to bring pain pills. I guess I'm beginning to feel the onset of restlessness. I just can't stay out for too long. And that bugs me! And whether it's because I'm supposed to consider moving on or it's just bc I'm not settled in a place where God wants me to stay settles...either way, it's still hard. Yea I'm ONLY 24...and yea I have my whole life ahead of me. Does that give me the the liberty to experiment? To move around? To dream? To set goals and aggressively pursue them? Or am I just supposed to stay put for awhile? I'm not sure. Not even close. Am I supposed to know what I'm destined to do? Or am I supposed to jump around like frogger trying to find where I belong? Who knows??

God knows. But I have a hunch He's not into the whole giving away the end of the story business. The patient I'm with tonight is having hip surgery tomorrow. He just got some pain meds. Looks like he's finally down for the count. Leaving me to sit and ponder what God is thinking now. I wonder if He will enlighten me?

I shall hope so.

Blogging from a hospital room

Im currently sitting in a single room with a suicide precaution patient. For all you acronym fans...that's an ASP. Or active suicide precaution. I think the word suicide itself holds a lot of different meanings for everyone. I'd say some patents are legit aNd really hurting for help and or feel like they are really at the end of their rope. And other times (most times) I think they are just looking for attention. And let's be honest...suicidal or not, us humans are sometimes STARVED for attention. Others seek ways that will put them in a hospital bed with me as their sitter and others who don't seek the suicidal route will do one of two things;let their appetite for attention starve or seek it out some other way. Like tweeting how awful their life is. Facebooking how terribly unfair life is for them. Life is unfair for everyone at certain times in life. The death of a loved one. A tree falling on a car. A deer running into the side of your car door. A fake winning lottery ticket. A brand new hockey stick breaking on a clear shot to an empty net. Life is unfair.
This week alone I've sat with 3 suicide precautions. That's all I've sat with this week. And granted I have absolutley no clue what their individual lives have handed then thus far, but i always walk away thinking the same thing no matter the case; "What in life is so terrible to cause them to feel that taking their own life is he only way to resolve it?" she. You stop and think about it,a successful suicide doesn't just take the life of the one committing the act...but those that knew and loved the one that is now gone. I don't get it. And I never will. All I get is the look on the faces if the family members thT sit with their loved one as they go through the necessary actions to get back to good health...and then chances are I will see them again in my lifetime in a hospital room.

Challenges in life were not designed to trip us up and cause us to fall so hard that we never see the opportunity to get back up. Challenges are here for us to learn from them. So that we know what to do the next time around. So we can be stronger in other areas of life. So that we may be a testimony of hope to the ones that have been blinded to hope. So that we can truly see the value of the gift of life. Life that has been freely given to us but not paid for with money. But with the precious life of the sinless Savior.

today a 10k, tomorrow the world...

well, not really.  i wasn't very happy with my 10k time.  it was 79 minutes.  there were a lot of factors that played into it really.  The hard part is finding the accomplishment hidden deep and woven tightly behind all of the factors that i think hindered me from having a faster time...even 10 minutes faster!  I found the main culprit to be the piece in my shoe that fed me all this information on mile times and distances.  by the time i finished my 10k...my iPod read that i had just finished a 14k.  HA! i wish i had!!! i have been using a device made by Nike...you put the chip in your Nike+ brand running shoe and it syncs the info to your iPod touch.  since Christmas, i thought i had been TEARING IT UP!!! turns out...i reallly wasn't.  my times were indeed getting faster...but not as fast as i was fooled to believing.  i mean come on...a 8:41 mile?!?!! right. come to find out...my Nike chip is about a mile and a half off.  what a blow.  what a huge downer.  i clocked it today with my trip counter in my car...my iPod said i had finished 6.4 miles (a 10k distance) in just under an hour. awesome right...right. if it was true.  i tripped it...i only went 4.6 miles.  after 6 months of thinking i had gotten out of the 10 minute mile hole...crash.  i never even left it.  i'll still run...with a vengeance. knowing im not as fast as i felt...not as fast as i had been believing the past 6 months much to my chagrin...really anyone's.  alright, it straight up pisses me off. there. that's being real.  i was so pissed.  i am pissed!!! all of those times putting on my running shoes, strapping on my heart monitor, logging my distance, my time, my effort, the way i felt when i read i had beaten my fastest mile...every single day, even if by a second.  shattered.  it may sound extremely low key...but to some one that has taken up running as a motivator to lose weight (for the past 20 months)...and then it turned into a passion...it's a huge blow for me. 

i guess i shall do what humans do...press on.  well, i hope most humans do that. thanks for joining me on this little blogger journey. i shall press on to keep you entertained...