Over the last quarter century of my life, a seed was planted in the soil of my heart that caused me to believe I was unworthy of the pursuit from God. God created each of us with the desire to be pursued by Him. And over the course of our lives, there've been wounds, scars & harsh words spoken over us that would cause us to believe otherwise.
And with good reason! People we've trusted, loved and done life with have let us down. Maybe even betrayed us. And in the end, our greatest wound comes from ourselves; the wound of self-betrayal.
It says we're not worthy of something that God declares we are.
It says we're not really interested in our hearts desires. it literally kills any dreams we've dreamed or hopes we've hoped. It's the deepest, most painful wound one could ever inflict.
And the crazy part is that it could take a really long time before you even realize what is actually happening. Things like, "I'll never be good enough!"or "I'll always be alone." or "that's just the way I am" are phrases that have rolled off of our tongues a little too easy. A lot more often than maybe we're even realizing it. And certainly more in our thoughts than we care to admit.
Each phrase a vow of self-betrayal.
There's nothing beautiful about betrayal. Perhaps one of the greatest recognized acts of betrayal is the kiss of Judas. Jesus was betrayed by a holy kiss...a sacred greeting between intimate friends. If there's anybody in history that we can look at and say, "they understand what I'm really going through. They've felt this pain." it's Jesus. He chose Judas as one of His disciples already knowing he would betray Him.
In my title, I'm not insinuating that betrayal is a beautiful thing. Quite the contrary...it's probably one of the most painful things to experience. I'm referring to the longing of a woman to be beautiful. In my experience, I felt I was betraying myself by acknowledging something deep down inside of me; i really DID want to be beautiful! My belief for so long was, in order to be beautiful, I had to betray "myself", or who I thought was myself. An unauthentic version of myself was the one betraying the actual me. The me that really does long to hear, "wow, you're beautiful." And not bc I've spent hours in front of a mirror, or ditched my glasses, or took the plunge and bought heels...and then actually wore them.
I said the ultimate betrayal is the one that is self betrayal. It kind of feels like you're cheating on you...with you.
You're cheating on the outside version of you with the real version of you that stays locked up airtight inside. There've been little glimpses of what the real you actually looks like...and it seems too good to be true. I'm not REALLY good enough to be beautiful. Am I?
With each stroke of mascara, the knife of self betrayal slips a little deeper into my back. Every brushstroke of nail polish, each dab of blush, every line of eye liner, every spritz of glitter...the blood of betrayal spills out and ive done everything possible to keep my mouth shut. white-knuckled the transformation that screams "You're beautiful. You're beautiful, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!"
Until finally you can't take it. You've betrayed yourself for so long that it doesnt even feel like betrayal anymore. It just feels...normal.
And I got tired of feeling...normal.
For over 25 years, I walked in self betrayal, And being betrayed by a quick glance in the mirror followed by a silent admission of, "this is as good as its gonna get" became normal.
Something that I was born with, designed for, got shut up very early on in my life. I was born to WANT to be beautiful. And throughout certain times in my life, I stomped on that like a spider that just wouldn't die. It's taken me a very long time to know that I can throw a pristine spiral, take a mean slap shot & get good and sweaty running miles in the summer time, yet still know I'm just as beautiful as if I were walking thru the mall with friends, wearing a pink shirt or shoes that aren't necessarily sneakers.
Beauty doesn't die...it just continues to yearn. It yearns to be showcased. Not just in the batting of your eyes, or in the pain a woman endures in her feet to wear that pair of heels. But it yearns in your heart. It spills out through compassion. It spatters out through generosity & kindness. Beautiful is betrayed when you believe it doesn't exist in any part of you.
I've not arrived, I'm not there yet. It's a painful process...betraying the 'self' you've known for 26 years for your real self that you barely know. It's asking a lot to trust someone you don't really know very well. And the 'me' inside that screams to be beautiful is not the me I've known.
It's the me I never wanted to know.
And so, the betrayal has begun.