Monday, July 22, 2013
This is where it gets juicy. I still have a fresh, unhealed wound right now. It's not even close to being a scar yet. But i know the battle that caused the initial hurt; the battle of trust. And as human beings, trust may be the most fragile element in our makeup. It takes the most time to read the instructions, begin the assmebly and build brick upon brick. But...it takes the least amount of dynamite to demolish it.
And if im honest...still stings, sometimes more than once in a day. And if anyone has ever taken a road trip...whether it be a family vacation, a day trip to go shopping or a mission trip, they'd know that lots of the bonding and memories happen on your way to and from your destination. (<---- that's an important statement. think on it). And i had to miss out on those things. I had to miss out on something that was more than a trip. It was an investment of time, money, prayer, sacrifice and other things too. For 6 months, i planned for, prayed for, fundraised for, and trusted God for...the ability to go on this trip. And then after doctors visits, tests, MRI, Xray and a mirale cortizone shot proved to do nothing other than give me false hope of being healed a heck of a lot sooner than i was (will be), i made the tough decision to stay back....4 days before the trip. So 6 months of anticipation all came crashing down...96 hours before the 2 vans headed toward the mountains of Colorado.
Though i shared a physical injury as something that physically hurt me and has been very visible and has even earned me the not-so-unique nicknames that come with walking with a limp, the hurt i experienced (and still do) was not a visible wound. it was the wound of disappointment. and a little deeper....the disappointment of having your trust broken. I trusted God to provide the finances and time off to go on the trip. Those things were provided for...in abundance. I trusted God to heal my knee in time for me to go on this trip...and that didn't happen. that's extremely painful. And i bet my other knee that if you took a moment right now, you'd come up with a laundry list of things that you've trusted God for that haven't worked out. And i'd also be willing to bet that it hurt terribly.
And to be honest, i could try to assign words to the absolute hurt and devastation i felt for the 10 days that the mission team was gone, but i promise they would not accurately encompass the hurt that i felt, the way i felt my heart break every morning i realized where i was...and where the
y were. I saw pictures, read text messages, watched video and prayed tirelessly for them every single day. and yea...i kinda felt connected. but we all know...being somewhere is not the same as not being somewhere and wishing like hell you were.
Now they've been home for 10 days. and so ensues another stage of healing. Trying to not stay crippled by the pain of feeling left out...by voluntarily checking out and feeling left out. By continuing to be around them and the inevitable inside jokes, God-moments and other bonding that took place while they were together, I'm choosing to stay in the pain and make an active choice to believe that even though i missed out on all of that, I'm not somehow less of a person, less of a friend, less of a youth leader just because my journey didn't include a Colorado trip in the summer of 2013 with people that I really dearly love. It only means that i played a different role. And I'm learning that if God only ever knows the importance of that role, I can trust Him that it was the best spot for me.
Trust is not without pain, cost or sacrifce. Even Jesus endured that knowledge.