Monday, July 22, 2013

Before the Scar

Sometimes all I have is writing.  That's how i can most accurately get my feelings out of my brain.  What I'm thinking, what I'm processing, what (or who) im wrestilng.  And its safe real feelings on paper
instead of shared with somebody.  the innerworkings of trust are difficult to follow and trust...go figure; trusting trust.  I dont know what trusting Him even LOOKS like!  Im not expecting to just BOOM! overnight understand can't be understood.  It has to be proven, experienced, broken, rebuilt.  And that's scary... trust cant be "thought of, or about" it's not intellectual, it has to be felt and sometimes at a cost.  Trust is a sacrifice. risky.  It can be incredibly rewarding, or incredibly messy.  Trusting the wrong people, trusting even the right people...then having it smeared in your face.  And I've had my share of broken trust and incredible heartache....and sometimes my heart has been broken...while trusting Him. 

You put so much of yourself into the action and art of trusting and in an instant, in a hot minute, it could be turned to dust.  And maybe because of the things I've prayed for and hoped greatly for and beggged and pleaded for....maybe they are a cause for me to have to trust Him...SO MUCH.  The desires i have...aren't just and only rewards for my sacrifices or my tough decisions. 
but i'm just getting ahead of myself.  those were just my innerworkings of trust...before i dove into the hurt of having trust broken...then slowly begin to see it rebuilt.

Every good and decent story has some kind of battle. Whether it's the kind that involves blood and guts and gore and winners and losers.  Or the kind that may not seem to blatant; like battling the sorrow of disappointments that life inevitably deals us a time or two (thousand).  Those battles result in scars just as well as the blood and guts battles do.  They just arent as noticable...if at all.

if we're honest with ourselves, we could all pinpoint a specific time in our lives when something just didn't go our way.  A job fell through, we didn't ace that test, we missed the cut on the soccer team, the car broke down...a week after the basement flooded.  you get it.  And there are an infinite amount of things in life that just plain suck when we dont get the results that we wanted...maybe even hoped and prayed for. 

But after each fallout, we can make a decision; give up or have the courage to say, "I get to try again tomorrow."  Both decisions produce a wound.  One will just remain an open, unhealed wound and the other will go thru the various stages of healing, producing a scar.  But before the scar, something happened that didnt go our way and it wounded us. 

This is where it gets juicy. I still have a fresh, unhealed wound right now.  It's not even close to being a scar yet.  But i know the battle that caused the initial hurt; the battle of trust.  And as human beings, trust may be the most fragile element in our makeup.  It takes the most time to read the instructions, begin the assmebly and build brick upon brick. takes the least amount of dynamite to demolish it. 

It's been 9 weeks (yesterday) since i hyperextended my right knee.  An injury that has a simple plan of recovery...of about 8 weeks.  I have spent the greater part of my summer walking with a limp, with crutches, with a brace, without a brace, elevating it, icing it, biking it and in pain.  And this morning...i ran on it for the first time in 9 weeks. it was only 8 minutes.  and 9 doesnt really sound like such a large number...but when you break it down, 9 weeks is 63!!! days. SIXTY-THREE days.  And i've had enough..62 days ago.  

There have been many things that ive had to miss out on because of this very intruding injury.  A wedding. a normal paycheck.  a couple church services. a couple youth events.  a couple family functions.  and most recently, a mission trip to Colorado.  And that last one...stung the most.

And if im honest...still stings, sometimes more than once in a day.  And if anyone has ever taken a road trip...whether it be a family vacation, a day trip to go shopping or a mission trip, they'd know that lots of the bonding and memories happen on your way to and from your destination. (<---- that's an important statement. think on it).  And i had to miss out on those things.  I had to miss out on something that was more than a trip.  It was an investment of time, money, prayer, sacrifice and other things too.  For 6 months, i planned for, prayed for, fundraised for, and trusted God for...the ability to go on this trip.  And then after doctors visits, tests, MRI, Xray and a mirale cortizone shot proved to do nothing other than give me false hope of being healed a heck of a lot sooner than i was (will be), i made the tough decision to stay back....4 days before the trip.  So 6 months of anticipation all came crashing down...96 hours before the 2 vans headed toward the mountains of Colorado.

Though i shared a physical injury as something that physically hurt me and has been very visible and has even earned me the not-so-unique nicknames that come with walking with a limp, the hurt i experienced (and still do) was not a visible wound.  it was the wound of disappointment.  and a little deeper....the disappointment of having your trust broken.  I trusted God to provide the finances and time off to go on the trip.  Those things were provided abundance.  I trusted God to heal my knee in time for me to go on this trip...and that didn't happen.  that's extremely painful.  And i bet my other knee that if you took a moment right now, you'd come up with a laundry list of things that you've trusted God for that haven't worked out.  And i'd also be willing to bet that it hurt terribly.

And to be honest, i could try to assign words to the absolute hurt and devastation i felt for the 10 days that the mission team was gone, but i promise they would not accurately encompass the hurt that i felt, the way i felt my heart break every morning i realized where i was...and where the
y were.  I saw pictures, read text messages, watched video and prayed tirelessly for them every single day.  and yea...i kinda felt connected. but we all know...being somewhere is not the same as not being somewhere and wishing like hell you were.

Now they've been home for 10 days.  and so ensues another stage of healing.  Trying to not stay crippled by the pain of feeling left voluntarily checking out and feeling left out.  By continuing to be around them and the inevitable inside jokes, God-moments and other bonding that took place while they were together, I'm choosing to stay in the pain and make an active choice to believe that even though i missed out on all of that, I'm not somehow less of a person, less of a friend, less of a youth leader just because my journey didn't include a Colorado trip in the summer of 2013 with people that I really dearly love.  It only means that i played a different role.  And I'm learning that if God only ever knows the importance of that role, I can trust Him that it was the best spot for me.

Trust is not without pain, cost or sacrifce.  Even Jesus endured that knowledge.