I love Jesus so much ... and i have depression.

i love jesus so much. and i have depression.

one day, i asked god to give me more influence in the lives of those around me.  

shortly after that, i was walking thru my newly exposed, seasoned, hidden struggle with depression and anxiety.  ever since i can remember, i have struggled with both.  and now, i am 29, fumbling thru the path of how to walk in the awkwardness of embracing this new thing, that isn't so new.  it is new to being exposed, but not new in the respect that its just always been there.  i am beginning to believe that my full healing will come as i continue to gingerly walk thru the hell of the darkness of depression, and the shame of anxiety.  unashamedly embracing what has been there all along.  my name is erica. i am a teacher, a daughter, a leader in an amazing ministry, i try to be a good friend, i crack myself up, desperately in love with jesus … and i have depression.  and guess what … it’s ok.

i ran into an old colleague from one of my former jobs.  i ran into her at the gym.  it was cool to see her again and get an update on her life.  she asked me if i was seeing anyone. what i wanted to say was “yea actually! I'm seeing two guys.  one is older, one is younger.  the younger one is my therapist. i see him a couple times a month.  and then the older one is a doctor. a doctor of psychiatry. and i see hime about once a month.”  i laughed to myself and had to suppress my secret inner giggle.

Jesus is dirty.

from the ashes of my journal...

"there is no way God has allowed for me to walk thru the hell i have walked thru and He not have an amazing, earth-shattering purpose for me, both in the midst of it and on the other side of it.  the purpose in the midst of it may even be more important than what comes after it. on the other side."

We see and picture God ... hang on.  Before i go any further.  take about 10 seconds or so and just think about what God looks like to you. and hold it in your mind.  what is the very first image you see?  what does he look like?  what is he wearing?  what does his face look like?  what do his hands and feet look like? you got it?  ok, don't forget it.

now...we see and picture God or Jesus (i am speculating) as maybe a neat freak.  Pristine white and perfectly clean.  I guess I see him as a mechanic.  Their hands are always greasy, grimy, dirt and oil all up under their nails.  Sleeves rolled up, work pants and steel-toed boots.  Pen behind their ear, smudges go grease and dirt and oil rubbed into the pores of their face.  Smudges of grime on work orders, each with its own list of diagnoses and remedies.

Jesus isn't clean.  Jesus ... is dirty.  Jesus isn't clean on the outside, but he wears robes of righteousness.

Jesus wears robes of grime.
Jesus wears robes of grease.
Jesus doesn't have smooth hands, He has holes in them, no doubt calloused from the hard nails that were driven thru them.
Jesus doesn't have manicured nails. He has dirt and grime up underneath them.

To me, Jesus doesn't wear robes.
To me, Jesus wears dirty carpenter jeans, work boots, a pen behind his ear.
Face of gentle tenderness, greased over with oil and dirt.

Jesus is a dirty mechanic.