withdrawn

2 months since the last time i posted.  2 days until i can wipe 2017.  i was kind of in a rough spot the last time i wrote a post; October 31.  I was in the middle of weaning off my antidepressant medication  and had been off medication i was taking for insomnia and restlessness at night.  I had hope about coming off of the medication after i was able to see how it was affecting me in nearly every area of my life.  i was excited.

but then ....

things were getting worse, not better.  And you know that old saying "it'll get worse before it gets better."?  yea.  i embodied that.  i was scared.  i felt so alone in it.  i looked up again symptoms of coming off the certain med i was coming off from and it fit to a T.  but i was still afraid.  i wondered if i was doing the right thing.  i wondered if i was making things worse.  i wondered if i was completely crazy.  i wondered if i should go back on the medication, find a different one.  but i kept choosing to wean from it.

in the next 2 months from October 31, i experienced things i've never experienced before.  physically; i experienced dizziness 24/7.  it did not matter what i was doing.  when i opened my eyes in the morning and thought "maybe today ... it will be gone."  i had to steady myself with the table to keep from falling over.  it didn't matter if i was turning my head slightly to see if it was safe to make a left hand turn while driving, my world was sent into a spin.  My head felt like it was not even attached to my neck and shoulders.  i had experienced vaginal bleeding for 3 months on top of the 3 weeks i was already experiencing the bleeding.

emotionally; it was torture.  i wondered if i would ever get better. it was like clickbait for my mind to wander to negative land.  on my drive to work, i would use the 15 minute drive to pray and ask God to realign the things that were out of whack.  i would hardly get a few words out before i would have to swallow my tears so my makeup wouldn't run all over.  i would feel the warm water of tears begin to well up over the lids of my eyes and shut it down immediately.  then i would get angry at myself and angry at what was happening inside of my brain and my body.  i would scream in my car at God, telling Him how frustrated and angry i was.  i probably looked like a psycho.

spiritually; i knew that God was with me.  i knew that He could see me.  I knew that He would see me through it all.  but i did not feel it.  i could not feel Him with me.  and you can't feel faith.  it was a hard choice every single moment, to choose to believe that He was with me, that He would help me.  that He was a good dad.  some of my fight was beginning to come back when i would declare the truths of His Word over my life.  calling out things that were not as though they were.  I know that might sound crazy.  but the bible says that faith without works is dead.  so i was going to believe what the Word said, even if it sounded ridiculous.  So i would pray and thank God for the things that were not, as though they were.  "God, thank you that this bleeding issue is tapering off in Jesus name."  "God thank you that your Name heals."  "God thank you that this dizziness is coming to an end"

I reached out to a friend and let her know what was happening and if she could help me.  I was on the phone with her for 30 minutes and had a plan of attack.  I immediately began implementing new supplements with my daily ones i was already taking.  Phytoestrogen -- to begin to balance out my hormones that were out of sorts.  Pharma-GABA to help with my anxiety.  5 HTP to help with depression.  Probiotics to bring alignment back into my gut and immune system and also helps with mood swings.  Niacin tablets to restore energy.  Raw Zinc -- which probably helps with my memory since i can't remember what it's for, but i researched it out.

Landon helps me smile. 

dear God.  i don't know how I've made it this far through all that.  it has been an incredibly frustrating and scary road.  And it's been so hard going to work every day, working with kids, who pick up on a broken toenail, for Pete's sake!  i think God's grace has been working over drive to cover me.  it's frustrating when they want you to chase them, or shoot baskets, and you can't because if you move too quickly, you'll fall over because of dizziness.  and i can't imagine it helps to be losing blood for almost 4 months at the same time.  None of my nice clothes or jeans fit me anymore, as the medicine i was taking causes a high percentage of weight gain.  i sat in my room, crying as i went through every pair of jeans and every nice sweater, tank top, work out clothes, etc. in my closet and drawers trying them on and not even being close to fitting.  God, i felt so defeated.   such a huge area of frustration because i was physically doing well with working out, having energy, etc. before the medication.  All of that is gone now.  i hate leaving the house because i hate the way i look right now.  and i know in my heart that it's really just a heavy thick layer of faux-feel-better aftermath.  but it doesn't make my pants any looser or my jackets anymore comfortable to wear.  the good news is that studies have shown that after about 90 days of being off the meds, you'll begin to see the weight come off.  only about 70 more days.  

If going on this medication has helped me to see anything, it's that i can use natural things to help me because it wasn't helping me to feel better.  its been an overwhelming year.  and I'm praying that God is going to overwhelm those things that have overwhelmed me, that what looked like a defeat is just a really good setup for a huge victory.

Jesus, help me.
Jesus, come quick.
Jesus, thank you for 2017.

on a closing note, the bleeding has nearly tapered off and so has the dizziness.

inside of me

an insane amount of days have passed since I've donned a seat at the table in front of my laptop to share my heart.  I've been busy.  Busy getting well, busy being sick, busy being a teacher, busy figuring out how to be an aunt, busy being me.  It almost feels overwhelming when i think about how much i really do have to share.  but this is something that hasn't left me alone for over a week.  One of my main focuses when i blog is sharing real stuff so that others know two things; they're not alone, there is hope.  with those two things in mind, I'm slipping on my transparent hat, dropping every title i have over me and I'm just Erica.  Not even Miss Erica ... Im just Erica right now.

Over a year and a half ago, I was diagnosed as having depression and anxiety and i began a medication regimen to help regulate what was going cooky in my brain.  It was pure hell.  It was the hardest, most vulnerable fight I've ever had to endure ... until the one I'm in now.  I started a new job as a teacher, a teacher in our KidZone ministry at church, joined the worship team, some graphic design dabbling.  And a whole host of other things happening before I turned 30.  

I went from completely isolating myself in my room, desperately trying to chase sleep, to finding hope and help in new relationships and opportunities for growth and wholeness.  Jesus with me every step of the way.  For 6 months, my medication was working WONDERS!  It was completely miraculous.  I had NEVER felt better.  Incredible.  Amazing.  Mind-blowing (literally, hahaha, get it, bc my brain ... never mind).  I finished my coursework for my CDA, was about to become an Aunt for the very first time ... it was awesome.

But then ...

a deeper kind of hell came.  It came quietly and sudden.  it came disguised.  it came and i didn't even know it.  I began getting sick ... nothing incredibly shocking, the weather and seasons were changing, everyone was sick.  But I stayed sick.  The moment I felt better, I began experiencing new and worsening symptoms.  Wheezing, coughing, sinus issues, shortness of breath, insomnia.  All of that at the same time.  No one could find out what was happening.  It was all just a "virus" that needed to run its course.  Fevers, weight gain, chills, throwing up, headaches.  And then other "random" things followed.

One morning I woke up for work and my ankles were swollen huge.  It hurt to stand on them.  I hadn't done anything the day before that would warrant something like that to happen.  I couldn't walk normal unless I wore tall socks and my high top sneakers.  That's how i got thru my days at work.  The moment i got home and took off my shoes and socks, that pain ensued.  Nothing i did helped.  Because i was having to walk funny, my back was thrown out of whack.  Going a little more personal, I even missed a menstrual cycle.  When it came back, it came back for a short amount of time and then came 10 days early the next time around.  Since it came 10 days early, i have been on it for the last 3 weeks.  I have never had issues with my menstrual cycle.  

One of my very dear friends pulled me aside and let me know she was concerned about me.  I was not me anymore -- and I couldn't even tell.  scary.  I had retreated into my own self again, hadn't talked to any of my friends in months, hadn't spent time with any of them, stopped doing the things i loved, gone completely numb having no emotions, staying home from church, ducking out of social interactions and experiencing high levels of anxiety, not sleeping, fidgeting.  

I'm so incredibly grateful for her.  She was doing research for me without me even knowing.  She was looking up things to help with my depression and anxiety from a naturalist's perspective.  I began looking up side effects to my medications that I had been taking and found that every issue I was experiencing was listed on the rare and major side effects list of this certain medication.  

Since that day, I have been weaning off of my medication with the help of my psychiatrist and adding the supplements that my friend researched.  I have noticed a huge difference.  I take my medication along with these supplements and am beginning to feel again, my body doesn't ache like it used to while on the medication, I'm sleeping, I go out with my friends, I can feel joy again.  The medication was also weakening my immune system, which was why I was sick all the time.  Since last December, I had something going on with my health.  It has taken almost an entire year, but I'm glad someone helped me figure out what was happening.  The last time I was sick was back in July and I was scared that I wouldn't be able to hold my nephew because I was so sick all the time.  I got to hold him for the first time in August and haven't been sick since.  

I'm not knocking medication.  I know that people legit need it for anxiety and depression.  For me, I know what I need.  I have a battle plan in place and fighters in my corner.  I can't wait to be completely off the medication and continue in a natural way to fight my depression and anxiety.  But until then, I continue to wean off and take my supplements and implement new practices into my life.  

Thank you to my friends who have walked alongside me, seen the worst side and are seeing the best side.  I love you infinitely.  thank you for agreeing to fight with me, for me and drag me sometimes thru this hell.