im hoping for one thing at the moment. that my 'most days' will balance out to be my 'some days' and that my 'some days' will balance out to my 'most days'
I'm hoping that 'most days' I won't be sad. Only some days. But right now, most days, I trudge through. It starts at about 4 in the morning. When 'most days' the only reason i make myself get up is because the things i have to do aren't really for me. my to-do list is made up by my committments. not necessarily my willingness to check off the tasks on that list. I make myself get up because someone else is counting on me.
I'm not sure when i've last counted on myself to do something. Most days, i can't even count on myself to even have enough care to find something to eat. Everything tastes the same. It tastes like nothing.
Some days, i like being around other people. But most days, i'd rather just sit at home. alone. with no noise. no tv. no music. no people. And in those times, God's nagging at me. Most days, I want to hear Him, but some days, I just don't care. Some days i think, "my prayers don't scratch the lining of the clouds." And some days, I think all of Heaven booms within me when i talk to Him about something. which is prayer.
Most days, i manufacture a superficial strength to make it through the day. most days, i'm counting on me to...do anything. And only some days do i remember that i depend on God for very breath i breathe.
It's scary to depend on someone else when you're not completely sure they'll come through for you. it's scary to trust someone else with your life when you've only really ever trusted yourself with your life. it's scary to be dependent when you shake your fists of independancy. Most days, i'm afraid. And some days, i'm a little less afraid. (which means every single day, i live with fear.)
To trust God with my whole heart, which is broken.
To not lean on my own understanding, which is all i've ever known.
There's one thing I know in this moment. That i can be sure of. That i can count on. We are all the same in at least one sense. We all have done at least one thing the same. And when our lives are over, we'll have done 2 things the same. We've all breathed a first breath. And we'll all breathe a last one. In between those breaths, we choose. Some days we hold our breath, hoping. And other days, we let out a sigh of breath when hope is just too much. I wonder how many breaths of air i've taken relying on God. Not as many as i've taken relying on me.