Monday, October 8, 2012

A Handle on God. Wait...What?

Normally, I'm not one to entertain the vain art of nostalgia. But for some reason, I've found myself doing just that. On the eve of my 26th birthday, im reflecting (is that still being nostalgic?) Reflecting on a year I'm really looking forward to forgetting.

It wasn't a complete waste. And when i say that it wasn't a complete waste, i wasn't a waste really at all.  It's just one that i spent most days wishing i had the power to fast forward thru.  There was awkwardness, growing pains, vulnerability, stretching, healing, death, dying, pain that was unburied, desires painfully realized and a God that was ever faithful.

But that doesn't mean i relished in the reasons why He was faithful.  His faithfulness usually resulted in a deeper level of untouched pain. But with His one touch, an ocean of pain erupted and then His healing came.  I have much to be thankful for, and i am.  Because life's been not the most pleasant this past year, I know He's been faithful in digging out the crap.  He didn't have to...but He did. And I'm left scratching my head and dumbfounded, wondering why He loves me??  I wonder why he keeps catching every tear i cry.  I wonder why He relentlessly pursues me even when, on my best days, i barely want Him to.
but why?

Because it's scary.  Sometimes, I'm scared of what He has gift-wrapped for me. And one day, He'll hand the wrapped gifts to me and say, "Have at it!"  And He'll be so excited to watch me open the gifts He has given me.  But for now, i just stare at them, collecting dust because im too afraid to see what's wrapped inside. 

But what ive seemed to allow myself to do every single time that fear begins to paralyze my sense of childlike wonder and excitement, is forget that it started with Him anyway.  This was all HIS IDEA! None of it was ever mine!!! The things my heart longs for and, admittedly, even aches for, i didn't cook those things up. I didn't mold those, or fashion those into existance...HE DID!!!

This was never supposed to be about me. But somehow, I've begun to think i have somewhat of a handle on God...WHAT????? me...handling God.

So my nostalgia basically just circles around the same idea, the same thought.  God has been faithful. And not always was it something that i looked forward to. Why? Because it often yielded some pretty hard issues. Mainly that i controlled everything.  I was limiting His faithfulness. I had an image of what His faithfulness looked like in every situation. And mostly because it revealed, at another level deeper every time, that i wasnt EVER supposed to do this thing on my own. 

And so, here i am, envisioning a small child quickly scanning the last page in a long novel, one that has sequel after sequel.  Getting ready to slam shut the cover and excitedly move on to the next.  wondering what the next one will entail. 

oh...spoiler alert. im the kid reading the book.