the start of freshman year was hell too. i didn't really have any friends, and i was kind of ok with that. i thought if i could get through high school, nice and quietly, keep getting my good grades, i would be ok. i would 'just make it thru'. one particular weekend, i went to the rink for an open skate. any of you that know me, know my obsession with the game of hockey. it's the only thing i'll admit to be good at (before i blew out my knee...). i was skating around, feeling particularly good about myself. not thinking about what i looked like, because, hey, i was a darn good skater. no one could make fun of me for being good at something, right? Wrong. i learned later that some boy went up to my sister while i was skating (somehow he knew we were with each other) and said, "Hey, she's a really good skater. But she's really ugly."
I acted like i wasn't hurt. but i was.
all that stuffing, all that negative talk, all that...crap (i really wanted to say a different word...) and it's a recipe for a disaster of a self image. i had deduced my self image to a nothing. if i was a nothing, then no matter what anyone said or thought...i already knew it was true. whether it was my big hair, my fatness, or my ugliness...i already knew it was true.
I struggle with my self image. like most girls. but now...i've finally realized that im not a nothing. and the way i looked never used to really bother me on the outside...but now it really does. i started running, working out and changing the way (and what i ate) and things started to change for me...about a year ago now. and yes, i'm more happy about the change. and yes, im more happy when my jeans sag. it used to be because i didn't have a butt for them to sit on. And actually, they still don't. but there are other reasons for the sagging. i don't feel as awful about myself when i go shopping. i actually enjoy picking out clothes...and trying them on.
but the negative self talk...it seems...has only increased. and it makes sense. i don't even stand in front of the mirror when i brush my teeth. when i brush my hair. when i put the mouse in it. when i put on my pants (that sag). and it makes sense. ive made a change...for the good. so obviously, i'm gonna nit pick at everything i see that's wrong with my body. and clearly, in my eyes, i have a lot of things wrong with my body. this is too big. this is too flabby. my nose looks like a button. my dimples are too dimply. that tanned runner looks like a rail. i look like a boulder barreling down the sidewalk.