my fluttering journey of feeble-sized faith.
I think most days i strive so hard that i forget how hard i'm really striving. And for who...more importantly...for what? I'm not even sure. Jesus should be the 'Who' and the 'What'
But i think most days the words "who" and "what" are my posed questions as to 'who' and 'what' Jesus really is...and not just for me, to me, but for the world. He came to give life, and life abundantly. He has already given life...and life abundantly to me. Silly me. i've forgotten that it's not mine to keep...i should be giving it away. Because freely He gave...now i need to freely give. It's not that i hoard this abundant life...like a husband may inadvertently hog all the covers at night from his bony, shivering wife. it's just that i've become like the whirl wind that causes snow drifts to pile in uneven heaps on roadsides. Rather...i am caught in the whirl wind. The blustering, windy, frigid wind that bites at bare skin and dries knuckles. I have so much floating around in my head that i've forgotten to live. Granted, i'll take being busy over the opposite. That would drive me crazy...i've done it, i know. the times when twiddling your thumbs is considered something penciled into your daily agenda. Twiddle twiddle twiddle clockwise...now reverse.
I'd rather be busy.
So much turmoil and tension surrounds the aura of who i am...i hate it. It doesn't define who or what i am....just what im walking through. I seem to feel like this is what was supposed to happen...not that a family gets hurt, relationships fall apart and feelings are the last thing on anyone's mind but that the enemy seeks to destroy and kill. Why not chip away at a family? Sometimes, in the rare moments of blissful silence, i bring myself back to remembering that though, yes, I am busy with outward, income-making, volunteering things, my heart is hurting. Not just because of the power of words that kill, but because i yearn. yearning is sometimes not a pleasant feeling. When your soul aches for that which you continue reaching out for...like a carrot dangling in front of your nose (or a slice of pizza...what have you) and it just stays there. The kind of yearning that sometimes only a song sung to a quiet strum of a guitar can describe what you feel so deep inside. The innocence of each chord picked, like the breath of a newborn baby as it enters the world for the first and only time, it echoes the yearning that stretches out across your heart.
Jesus. He will sustain that yearning...that great thing about sustaining is that it's not fulfilled. He will not fulfill, or ever completely satisfy...because then you'd have no need for Him...no sense of yearning. And though at times, the yearning is even painful, having that sense of yearning completely satisfied is something that i don't ever want to experience while on this earth. Save it for eternity. I need Him. So desperately. So desperate in fact...my thoughts fumble around searching for the words to come splashing out over my lips that would cause Him to understand the validity of my plea. Rest, you fluttering, floating, feeble faith,
He already knows.
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