it is written with the heaviest of hearts, puddles of tears and a song that i can't even open my mouth to sing. it's been awhile since ive written. but i always want to share whats real and what is honest and what is true. and this is the truth....
my grandma is dying. over the past month, she has been in and out of hospitals (yes more than one), losing blood, throwing up food, even water, too weak to even make herself food. and my family waited. and waited. and then we knew. all in one half hour period, it went from operable procedure to, we need a miracle. the cancer that started in the wall of her stomach rapidly spread to her pancreas and spleen. the phone call i received will forever be a lasting memory. painful and surreal. i was alone, face on the floor, fists balled and eyes tightly closed around a mass of warm tears. and a song. a song that has been stuck in my head for a very long time. a song that when i heard it after the devestating phone call, i swirled quickly into complete devestation and hope all at the same time.
the hardest part is hearing from a distance. i havent been able to be at the hospital. it went from, "this procedure is totally do able, and your grandma will still be a pain in your ass after she's recovered" to,
"we're so sorry. we can't operate." my grandma was thrilled to know that, in the beginning, she was going to be alright. then hopes were dashed when she realized she still had her stomach. it was going to be removed because that's where the cancer was. and i was thrilled too. to know that she was going to be alright.
and as hard as it is to allow my shaking hands to write this, i still know she will be alright. at the end of the 3 months the doctors have given her to live on this earth, she will be alright. and i know she will be well again.
this doesn't mean that my tears are any less and that my heart is lighter. the pain is real. the storm is real. this is a storm that cannot be weathered. it has to be walked through. head on. the news itself is heartwrenching. but the harder news is that at first, she was going to be alright. then an hour later, she wasn't.
when she realized, she closed her eyes and said, "well, how much time do i have left?"
my aunt quickly responded, "well, Barb, there's really only One person who truly knows that, right?"
my grandma agreed.
the news slowly sinks in, each passing hour. and as i try to go about my normal day stuff, ths song. it keeps playing over and over again. i wanted to share it with you. im not sure why. maybe because i write when im broken. it's called Everlasting God. I've attached the music. please listen.
One thing i know that i have found
through all the troubles that surround,
You are the Rock that never fails. You never fail
One thing i know that i believe
Through every blessing i recieve
You are the only one that stays
You always stay
You never change. You're still the same
You are the everlasting God.
You will remain after the day is gone
and the things of earth have passed
Everlasting God.
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