Is God Mean?: My bumpy journey to believe again

This is something I've not shared with hardly anyone. But now, after 4 years, I've begun to find healing in my heartache. I hope beyond hope this helps to bring clarity and healing to those that read this post, Even as I continue to find and experience the same for my own life.

Four years ago today, a friend that I played high school hockey with was killed in a single car accident. Her car wrapped around a tree and she was killed instantly. I read the news in my tiny Bible school dorm room on my laptop from my hometown newspaper online. Instantly my eyes scanned the page to find a name. I got so angry when I couldnt find it. Then i saw her name. My heart began to pound. My face contorted and my eyes welled up instantly with tears. I couldnt think I couldn't feel. I just cried. Sitting at my desk hunched over convulsing in tears. My door was open and no sooner had i started crying did I hear 2 of my hallmates slip into my room and put their warm hands on my back in comfort. And then...they started to pray. I dont remember what they prayed. I'm certain I wasnt interested in hearing anything to do with God. Clearly this was His fault. I believed that all the way up until just recently. But hating what He had done to my friend wasn't the only reason I had for being angry at God. This is where i share my true heartache.

One year to the day and almost to the hour, I was in my own single car accident. Incidentally, I was driving back to NY after a last minute decision to come home for the weekend to grieve Ashley's death. I left my house at 5. It was pitch black by now and it had just began to snow. As soon as I got into my car, I began to cry. Not only was the snow an obstruction to my very cautious driving, now my waterworks were an obstruction. I drove thru Canada with both hands on the wheel, chest nearly touching the steering wheel as i strained to see out my windshield. I even thought of turning back. But i decided to trudge thru. I cried for the entire 3 hours thru Canada. Once I got to the NY border I was only 1.5 hours from my apartment. I stopped to get a drink to help keep me alert. It had just begun to snow again.

Soon the salt trucks were out. I slowed my speed to 55mph. The limit was 65mph. But I wanted to be careful just in case there was ice that I couldn't see. Meanwhile having Ashley on my mind. I was trying to stay focused. About 5 minutes after passing the salt trucks and a handful of semi trucks, I noticed a pickup truck in front of me violently swerve. It was almost like he was avoiding something like a deer or some other debris. I scooted closer to my steering wheel and moved my foot slowly from the accelerator to the brake to avoid whatever was up ahead. My cautious driving sent me into a tailspin. I was driving over black ice when I pushed the brake pedal. My car immediately and violently swerved and was now traveling up the highway sideways, my driver side facing all the trucks I had just passed. I took my hands off the wheel and my feet off the pedals and clenched my fists and opened my mouth to pray. As soon as I did, my car slammed head on at 50mph into the guardrail in the passing left lane and bounced my car back into the 2-lane highway, still turned sideways in the middle of the 2 lanes. In that moment, in those quick 10 seconds, I prepared myself for death. I knew I was going to die. Spoiler alert...I didn't. The only thing I could see in my mind was getting T-boned by all those semi trucks I had just passed. I closed my eyes, clenched my fists to prepare for the impact and said aloud, "God, please make it fast. I dont want to be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life." smash. My car had smashed into the right lane guardrail and parallel parked itself better than any human could right up against the guardrail. I slammed on the gas bc I thought i was still in the middle of the road. I couldnt see bc my hood was crushed up and I couldnt see over it. I finally realized where I was and had to crawl out my passenger window. I ran away from my car bc I was sure someone else was going to slide into the black ice and smash my car. As soon as i got out, all the semi trucks I passed roared by. I couldnt cry. I couldn't talk. I couldn't feel. I waved frantically at all the passing cars but no one stopped. Until a state trooper did and took my info and drove me to a toll booth station where i waited for my boss and her husband to come get me.

I totaled my car. My seat belt, the design work of something called a crumble zone in Saturns and God, saved my life. Without the crumble zone, the insides of my car underneath my hood would have come thru the dash and crushed me. Instead of smashing thru, it crumbled. A full 3 feet.
From that day on the eve of November 18th, until recently, I shook my fist at God for sparing my life and taking the life of my friend. I toiled day and night. Even in my dreams. Randomly I would flashback and relive the accident.

My true heartache was wrapped up in my 'why's'
Why did you let her die! Why did you let me live?
Wake up...feel guilt. Walk thru my day...feel guilt. Lay in bed at night...cry away the guilt. Or at least until I fell asleep. Every year on the anniversary of Ashley's death and the heightened state of my anger towards God for not sparing her life, but sparing mine, i felt like my head swirled around in the darkness of anger. i felt like i was a little kid with a flashlight that kept going out while i was searching for an answer as to why.  Why, God? Why are you so heartless? Why God? Why are you so careless?  Why, GOD!?!?! Why didn't you save her? 

For nearly 3 years i walked in that hellish storm. asking why. shaking my fists at Him. shaking my head at him. how was God good? He wasn't! I could never believe again that He was good. Or could i? 

This is what i've learned.  I've never learned the why, but i've learned to ask different questions. I don't ask Him why He didn't save her. I don't ask Him why He saved me. This is what i do know. He DID save her. He saved her from injury just like He saved me from injury. Yes, the outcomes were different. Ashley never would have been the kind to be ok with you dwelling on something negative, especially if it was about her. she would want you to embrace life, embrace the second chances. And how beautiful is that because God is the exact same way. He wants you to embrace life. He wants you to embrace the second chances.  i wish like hell i could change what happened. but i've learned i cannot. i can't ever.  not with any bad thing that has ever happened.  Here's the rest of the truth.  God is still good.  the only thing that changed was my heart. He never changed. I just needed someone to blame for my indescribable hurt.  and God was it.  He's not anymore. and even though, yes, i do sometimes experience my indescribable hurt, i am overcome with memories from that day, from that week and i am stricken with paralyzing grief once again...this time, I know that i know that He's good. no matter what.  it's taken me 3 years to finally realize this again.  God is good and life sometimes is not. sometimes, it sucks. and sometimes, it hurts like hell. and sometimes, it's not fair. 
but this i know, God is ALWAYS faithful in every situation. and sometimes, what we think is faithful just isn't. in every situation, in every season, He is and always will be God.  Yea. i still miss her. But i suppose God missed her more. and when i think about it like that, i'm a little more ok.