cut the crap

i'm a real life gal. behind a real life computer screen...there's a real life heart.  and an extremely active mind. sometimes, that mind isn't very nice to me. 

i'm gonna share something that is something i don't really like sharing. and i've debated about it...time and time again. even typed out a blog...and then erased it. cuz, let's be honest...baring one's heart and soul is only something one does...once in a great while. But i figure, like most girls struggle with their self image, i am in the 'most girls' category.  and i do struggle with my self image.

It's something i've struggle with for most of my life (i'll be a quarter of a century in a couple months...) and thats a long time, i think! It goes all the way back to when i was just a little monster.  no disrespect to anything, or anyone mentioned in this blog...it's just the facts.  but when i was younger...my sister and i were left with our grandparents when mom and dad went to work, or during the summertime when school was out.  i loved going. i loved being with them. i loved them then. and i love them now.  i just wish i was smart enough back then to say no to a bag of Funyons. or a candy bar from the grocery store.  that was their way of showing us love...food.  of course there were hugs and kisses and learning how to play poker as well.  and tent-building and cops and robbers and other such shenanigans. (with the cousins of course)  but the cupboard was always full of goodies.  and we were always full of those goodies.  

as i got older, i learned to stuff the way i felt about myself.  i was a tomboy ( i still kinda am...) i played street hockey with boys, football with boys, tag with the boys and wore jeans and tshirts....like the boys.  i never wanted to carry a purse. that was too girly. i never wanted to wear a dress. that was girly, too.  i always wore my hair back...cuz it would get in my face, and i HATED that. entering school was hell.  by 7th grade, i wore glasses and had a head of curly hair that was the subject of envy.  but i HATED that too.  one day in computer class, i found out just how 'envious' it was to one of the popular boys.  i sat in front of him and he turned to his other popular friend and said, "Oh man, now i can't see over her big hair."  i felt my face turn red and my heart sank lower than i could sink in my chair.  i wanted to disappear.  i learned to keep to myself and keep quiet.  because if i didn't give anyone the chance to know me, i didn't give anyone a chance to make fun of me...at least not to my face. and that was good enough for me.

nearing high school, still playing street hockey (with the boys) i started to branch out and explore the idea of church.  this one particular summer, my coaches were Christians and invited the whole hockey team to a fun night at their church.  i thought, "I may as well go. I really like the coaches."  So i went. it was fun. up until this one game.  im not even sure what the name of it was. all i know is that i was excited to do it...until someone made fun of me, or pointed out the obvious. it was all the same to me then.  it was a 3-man team. 2 of the team members pulled the 3rd team member on a tarp across a certain distance.  i thought it would be fun!  i started to walk over to the starting area and i saw an older teen boy and girl. they were CLEARLY a couple.  as i began to walk across the field, i heard the boy say to his girlfriend, "Hey! Let's get her to pull us! She's fat!"  his girlfriend playfully hit him on the arm and probably gave him a 'that's not nice' plug.  i acted like i didn't hear it.  i acted like i was just walking across the field to some other game. i acted like i wasn't hurt.  but i was.

the start of freshman year was hell too.  i didn't really have any friends, and i was kind of ok with that. i thought if i could get through high school, nice and quietly, keep getting my good grades, i would be ok. i would 'just make it thru'.  one particular weekend, i went to the rink for an open skate.  any of you that know me, know my obsession with the game of hockey.  it's the only thing i'll admit to be good at (before i blew out my knee...).  i was skating around, feeling particularly good about myself. not thinking about what i looked like, because, hey, i was a darn good skater. no one could make fun of me for being good at something, right? Wrong.  i learned later that some boy went up to my sister while i was skating (somehow he knew we were with each other) and said, "Hey, she's a really good skater. But she's really ugly."
I acted like i wasn't hurt. but i was.

all that stuffing, all that negative talk, all that...crap (i really wanted to say a different word...) and it's a recipe for a disaster of a self image.  i had deduced my self image to a nothing.  if i was a nothing, then no matter what anyone said or thought...i already knew it was true. whether it was my big hair, my fatness, or my ugliness...i already knew it was true.

I struggle with my self image.  like most girls.  but now...i've finally realized that im not a nothing. and the way i looked never used to really bother me on the outside...but now it really does.  i started running, working out and changing the way (and what i ate) and things started to change for me...about a year ago now.  and yes, i'm more happy about the change.  and yes, im more happy when my jeans sag. it used to be because i didn't have a butt for them to sit on. And actually, they still don't.  but there are other reasons for the sagging.  i don't feel as awful about myself when i go shopping. i actually enjoy picking out clothes...and trying them on.

but the negative self talk...it seems...has only increased. and it makes sense.  i don't even stand in front of the mirror when i brush my teeth. when i brush my hair. when i put the mouse in it. when i put on my pants (that sag).  and it makes sense.  ive made a change...for the good.  so obviously, i'm gonna nit pick at everything i see that's wrong with my body.  and clearly, in my eyes, i have a lot of things wrong with my body. this is too big. this is too flabby. my nose looks like a button.  my dimples are too dimply.  that tanned runner looks like a rail. i look like a boulder barreling down the sidewalk.

but today i came across some pictures.  older ones. and recent ones.  when i flipped through them, my negative mind was all of a sudden halted, if only for those few moments, as not only did my mind's eye see, but also my naked eye, confirmed the reality of the pictures that seemed to stare back at me, rather than i staring at them.  there's really nothing that needs to be said.  i'll just post the pictures and let them speak for themselves.  ...i've spoken enough already!

before pics on left
after pics on right.









  

 

                                                                                                                                          

much love.  thank you all for sharing in my blogger journeys.