This might be "putting it out there" but I feel like I owe it to at least myself to live by what I believe. To, "practice what I preach" so to speak. I have been alive on this planet for nearly 29 years. I have been told what to do, who I am and what to believe for most of those years. And when I say that, don't immediately jump to the conclusion that I'm just one of those twenty-somethings about to rebel and get all crazy about having to follow rules and so now I'm going to just do whatever the heck I want. I have been a product of my environment.
And when I say environment, I don't specifically and exclusively mean the physical environment. Whether you believe it or not, whether you're Christian or believe in God or not, there is a spiritual environment that we walk in. Every. Single. Moment. It has power to change us, both negatively and positively. But it is up to us. We can choose. The environment that I had become a product of is called F-E-A-R. And the person telling me what to believe, what to think, and how to act was not my mom or my dad or pastors or teachers or coaches (though I've had all of those in my life). The person, this thing...was the enemy of my soul.
I know we hear all the time about how it's better to think positively than negatively, to live like a survivor, not a victim, face your fears, etc etc. But I just have to share, with whomever will see this, that I really did almost lose who I was. And a whole host of other things. And my hope is that someone reading this will realize that the enemy is a liar. The devil...is a liar, he is the father of lies. The Bible says that he has come only to steal, kill and destroy. And please, hear me, the Bible is true. The enemy stole my identity, killed relationships, and destroyed my heart. Why? Because he found someone (me) who would listen to his bull crap (I really wanted to say something else). For nearly 29 years...I listened to him, I believed him, and I almost lost myself.
KidZone this morning (last Sunday) taught me a verse as I taught it to the kids. And tonight, as I glanced up into the sky after youth group, my heart felt full again. My spirit felt alive. My hope, Jesus, became real again to me. "I cried out to the Lord. And He answered me. He freed me from ALL my fears." Psalm 34:4 (emphasis added by a really cute 4-year old, whom yes, does know the entire verse).
About 4 weeks ago, I was lead to believe that my thoughts were the culprit of my crumbling foundation beneath me. And I gotta tell you, it is only by the grace of God that I have made it to this freedom. It has not come all at once, because I believe God wants me to have the full experience of walking in this freedom, which has come little by little. I believe that I would be absolutely overwhelmed if it all came at once. I have seen that by submitting my entire life (physically, spiritually and mindfully) that it has become less of a burden to walk in the way God has called me to. I have found that as I continue to do that, my feet are going naturally in the direction that God wants me to go.
On the other hand, I had to take inventory of the time that my feet went naturally the other way. That other way, was my way. I lived in constant fear. I professed faith, but lived in fear. I showed up physically, but was hardly ever present mindfully. This is where I "let you in." If you interacted with me in the last 6 months or so, I am so sorry. I'm sorry because what you thought you were getting was the real me. What you actually got was the counterfeit Erica. Here is where I let you in more...if you interacted with me, chances are my mind was going in a million different directions. And I really believe that I'm not exaggerating. (A little more now) ... the sentences that were running through my mind sounded like this, "They don't REALLY love you" "If they REALLY knew you, they'd turn and run for their life" "You are way too messed up to be accepted" "You have WAY too many things wrong with you to be anyone's friend" "You don't have ANYTHING of value to offer" "You are too needy, you are too much, you are not smart..."
And on and on and on. I should also point out here that the Bible also says that, while the devil is the father of lies, it also says that he is the accuser. All of those statements, ahem, all of those lies up there, are accusations that shot fiery darts right through the center of my heart. Then they eventually set up camp in my mind and that is how I lived my life for the past 6 months. I lived life as a performance. I had to do everything without flaw and since that is not even possible, I set myself for failure every single day. Here's an example. Today I'm going to run 5 miles in less than an hour. I start running, only get to 2 miles and decide to walk the half mile back to my car. Instead of looking at what I had accomplished, running 2 miles in less than a half hour for the first time in 9 months, I could only see my failure. I didn't make it to 5 miles, only a measly 2 miles. I was a loser in every single situation I walked into. I had already decided my outcome before I even put shoes on to leave the house. For every interaction, whether with friends, coworkers, family, whatever...I had decided that I was not good enough, that I lacked what it took to be who God wanted me to be. And who I thought God wanted me to be was what I believed everyone else wanted me to be. I showed up with no identity, I showed up a blank slate, just itching to have someone tell me who I was. I was afraid to be who I am, I was afraid to be funny. I was afraid to talk about Jesus. I was afraid to share my heart. I was afraid to be honest. I was afraid to be passionate. I was afraid I would fail.
And if I can save you some heartache, please hear this; the heartache and pain that you experience letting your walls down and letting safe people into your heart, into your life, into your darkness...doesn't hurt as deep or as long as when you choose to show up as the counterfeit you...when you choose to let your fear completely engulf the whole of your identity and then look back at what was lost. Fear has robbed so many things from me, mostly of moments when God wanted to touch my life. Moments of love, moments of blessing, moments of generosity, moments of relationship, moments of intimacy, laughter, opportunity, friendship. I have lived in regret for the past 6 months as I have looked over and taken inventory of these last 180 days. That is half of a year. Half of a year where I knowingly spent my life "living" in fear.
One thing that I have been enlightened to is that most days, I wasn't sure which "me" was gonna do my living for me that day. If it was the faith-filled Erica, negative things could happen all around me and I knew Who I could go to with my disappointments. If it was the fear-filled Erica, my day was confusing, my thoughts ran amok, and I could never find a moment of clarity. Simple tasks derailed my ability to accomplish them, things I enjoyed became chores, living every day became a task that I grew to hate. Why? Because at the end of the day, I could have spent the whole time in an environment that was life-giving and positive, but because I lived in my head of lies, I ended most every night feeling completely empty, unsatisfied, disappointed. My day had been stolen. The enemy came and did what God's Word says he does. He stole, he killed and he destroyed. And I let him.
As I look back over the devastation, a deep sense of grief wells up inside of me. Relationships that were damaged, opportunities that were lost, freedom that was chained up, moments of clarity fogged up by my fear, endless breakthrough that was stopped up. It all sounds quite depressing, and you'd be right. How sad that I couldn't find it in me to look up at Him and say, "God, I'm afraid, but help me walk through this anyway." It is sad. It is quite depressing. But here is what I know about my God (this is where it gets good...), He is my redeemer, He is my healer, He makes me whole, He brings health into all my situations, He came that I may have life, and have it to the fullest, He is the hope of glory, He lives in me, He uses my ashes and makes them beautiful, He takes the ruins and makes them glorious. Whatever I have lacked, He is. When I go to Him and say, "God, I'm not good at relationships left to myself." He says, "I know, but I am." "God, I can't do this thing on my own." He says, "I know, but I will be with you."
I have found a new sense of desperation, of refuge, inside of His Word. When I look at my Bible now, my heart thumps, my face does a happy dance because I want to see what I'll find in it. And I believe His Word is true. Just as much as I have experienced the truth of the negative things (the enemy comes to steal, kill, destroy. Whatever a man thinks in his heart, so he is. There is a way that seems right to man, but it only leads to death.) I have come to find the infinite freedom His truth brings. "What the enemy meant for evil, God will use for good, for the saving of many lives" Genesis 50:20. "And we know that in all things, we are more than conquerers" Romans 8. "The Lord is my light and my salvation, what should I be afraid of?" Psalm 27 "God works together all things for the good of those who love Him and are called by Him." Romans 8 "Do not become weary while doing good, for in due time, in the right season, you will reap a harvest if you do not give up." Galatians 6:9. "And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself RESTORE you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." 1 Peter 5:10.
And that's only a few. I believe that in the seasons of our greatest failure, setbacks, disappointments, God is merely working out the kinks to show off His glory. Why do I believe that? It's not just some cute novelty saying, it's Scripture. It's Genesis 50:20. What the enemy meant for evil, God will use for good." I believe that in our darkest moments, the God of the universe reaches down, plucks us out of the pit and draws us to Himself, when we are completely helpless. When we let down our defenses in front of Him, He rejoices and laughs at our weaknesses. It's a setup! "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weaknesses." I believe that the seasons where we have experienced the most pain is where He is the most faithful. I believe that at the end of those seasons, where we look back and take inventory of what we lost, that God takes what was lost, takes the scraps and uses what we call a loss and restores to us what was taken. Nothing is wasted when we can present it to Him. He takes our little and uses it for much. He accepts our brokenness as worship when we surrender it to Him. His motive is wholeness, healing, restoration, redemption, relationship. "Come to Me, all you who are burdened and take my yoke, it is easy and light."
I almost lost myself to fear. I almost forfeited who I was. But God has redeemed me.
Now I have let myself get lost in His love, acceptance, grace, mercy, truth and freedom.
Amazing grace. How sweet the sound. That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost ... But thank God ... now I am found.
Please check out the song below and let the words pour over your soul as you consider its message of truth. It has brought me continued peace, healing and freedom.
Elevation Worship -- Oh Come to the Altar
No comments:
Post a Comment