Resisting A Rest

see what i did there?

it's been 2 months to the day since my last post.  i spent a greater portion of 3 months sharing heart-heavy details about the news of my dying grandma.  She's since passed. it's been the most grueling past 6 months of my life.  i dare say there is a pain so great as experiencing loss.  and now i've discovered the mate to this pain; it's struggling to come into the rest of God.  how does one 'strive' to 'gain' the rest of God? Striving and gaining are action words. you have to DO something.  You can't TRY and rest.  i think it just happens.  as you continue, please allow me the luxury of sharing my struggle.  as hard-headed as it sounds (and really is). 

I've been walking in a sesason of unrest. I've been battling, struggling, fighting, rebelling, wandering.  When i think of 'rest' what is the first thing i think of?  I first think, why. why can't i rest?  this is why.  I've never really entered into a season of rest. to me, it speaks of laziness. landing in a season of rest scares me because i have no idea of what it would look like.  And if I'm resting...nothing is going to get done! But when i peel back the final layer of my heart, i find why i really cannot rest.  It's because in my heart, i've decided God is not enough.  God can't do it, so I have to.  This is rebellion.  When you're in rebellion, there cannot ever be rest.  it's constant toiling.  and fighting.

Am I tired of fighting? Am I tired of being tired?  I'm way past tired. Exhausted. Weary. Am I tired of fighting? My physical body literally reflects the current state of my spiritual battle.  I cannot sleep, i cannot rest.  I cannot rest in Him becuase I do not trust Him.

I'm nearing the end of the battle though.  Coming to the close of the fight.  I've gone 11 rounds...and i'm certain i've lost every single one of them. And come hell or high water, i'll go the 12th and final round knowing it'll wipe me out, completely wreck me, absolutely overwhelm my defenses. Finally take me out. Indelibly incapacitate me and all my feelble attempts to fight God...and win????

In the end, He'll win my hard-fought surrender.  Because of my stubborness and my 'you know what's' to even have the audacity to set foot in a ring against the Almighty, Ive raised my sleeves, wiped the sweat from my brow, shrugged off my rebellion and backhanded my tears and said, "I'm gonna go one more round, God." And He's faithful even in the fight.  because He fights back with His relentless love for me. Kiling me with His lovingkindness, strong-arming my rebellion with His ever-abundant, constantly flowing grace. 
Which is free...but I think I need to earn it.

My angst, my unrest, my fight and my rebellion are my weapons.  But God's weapon of love and grace and peace will always pin my disgusting efforts to control my own life. I've not surrendered....but God will soon get His glory in my surrender. I can't even surrender without Him! I'm fighting the rest He has for me. I'm arguing His strength isn't as great as mine. I'm placing myself on the cross.  I never would've come back from the dead on the cross of Christ.  Because it's not my cross and I'm not the Savior.

Round 12 will be a battle.  It'll be hard-fought, with 2 wills charging one another and only one winner will emerge.  I'm foolish to even enter the last round, but as the bell is rung to signify the start of an inevitable knockout, God already has the victory.  In the end, i'll collapse into His arms. I'll ask for mercy and His grace to begin to heal the self-inflicted wounds.  And He'll do it. I know He will.  But i'll still fight Him.  Until the end. 

Until, finally, my rebellion is kissed away with forgiveness and I am left a dependent.  Severely wounded by my own hands of rebellion and distrust.  Silenced by the peace of His presence. Healed by the scars on His hands.  And finally and fully, surrendered into the rest of God.

Fighting doesn't come without a cost. And these are the steps that will ensue when God delivers the final punch;

 (my)  Surrender     requires  Repentance
 (my)  Repentance  brings     Forgiveness
 (His)  Forgiveness  fosters   Healing
 (His)  Healing         restores Trust

...and Trust is Rest.