Sometimes, i find myself retreating from my current situation. falling a little further back into my thoughts, tapping into what im actually feeling, thinking, sensing. And sometimes, (if i'm honest, which i vowed these posts would never shy away from) i get angry. angry that as i play on facebook, update a tweet, snap an Instagram, laugh at a movie on tv, tie up my running shoes, my grandma lies on our couch, frail, asleep, stricken heavily with cancer. sometimes, i feel guilty when i bite into a crunchy salad, cut into a piece of chicken, dunk a fry into ketchup. because my grandma sits shaking on the couch with the little strength she has trying to hold up a small bowl of melted ice cream. i feel ashamed when i spend half my morning knit picking at the image staring back at me in the mirror. when my grandma can't even lift her head high enough to look in the mirror. when her wardrobe has become her now-baggy pajama bottoms and some t-shirt with an umbrella stitched on the front that i would normally make fun of at the store. (i still might do that...)
And sometimes...i can't help but be angry. and the harder part of that...is i think as humans, when we get angry, we NEED to blame someone or some thing. "I'm mad because_______." Because i was wronged some how so i need to blame, point my finger and say, "It's YOUR fault." As silly as this sounds, i found someone to blame today. And he is related, but i've never met him and neither have you. I've never even seen a picture of him. He's related to you, too. His name's Adam. That stupid man that listened to his wife? He blamed Eve when God asked him. "My wife made me do it" if you're wondering where that phrase originated from, it came from the Bible.
So i started thinking...as i walked my grandma down the hall. Given all the circumstances, it looks like no one's winning this battle. She put her hands in my hands and i walked backward down our narrow hallway. i stared at her hands in mine. Hers; frail, bony, near-transparent, sickly, dependent. In mine: strong, freckled, tan, healthy, dependable. Her trust was literally all in my hands. She would've fallen face first if her trust wasn't all in. So i thought as we walked together, "God, it would seem in the natural, You're not winning this fight. I feel like 'cancer' is laughing at me in the face saying, "look what i've done, and look what God's done." Then i saw a scoreboard. Like in an ice arena, raised high and lit on every side so all areas of the crowd could see. Cancer---0 God---Won. And it didn't make sense to me. But then again, I'll never understand everything about God. I'm a finite human and He's infinite. with no measure, no boundaries, no limit, no restrictions. God has already won. Since the day we were born, we have been Heaven-bound. In every second, every inch of our lives, He's been all about us. He created us, He walks with us then He welcomes us home. It's 'won and done' with Jesus.
I'm realizing...I have no one to blame because there's literally no one to blame. If the devil thinks he's won, he's terribly wrong. The victory has already been won. Jesus IS the victory. Jesus is MY victory. He's YOUR victory. whether you believe it or know it or not. you can deny the Truth, but it doesn't mean it's no longer true, or even any LESS true.
And when I'm taunted with the accusation, "Look what cancer has done, and look what God has done," from the enemy himself, i can know with all my heart what both has done and know that only One has the victory. Cancer was just a temporary affliction. But Jesus is our everlasting Healer.
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