...for me, I already knew I was obsessed. But when I had that dream...twice!! I knew for sure then. This is a very sensitive side to me that I rarely share with anyone...if at all. But I suppose I shall keep you all entertained by digging a little deeper onto my psyche each post. I grew insanely obsessed with weight loss. There. I said it. I went insane. I spent hours online surfing this miracle pill and that diet plan. Clicking on this website link and furiously writing down 15 miracle fat burning foods. Which if you're interested...chicken and fish and green tea would be a great place to start. So would eating breakfast every morning. Cutting calories out of your diet. Exercising throughout the week. And if you're really on top of things, you'll do both. Every. Single. Day. I'm not saying that part is insane. Exercising is good for you in more ways than one. But when you spend more time avoiding the mirror than you do using it to cover the zit on your cheek...it's time to check yourself. Most people stand in front of the sink while brushing their teeth. I'm not most people. I stand off to the side. Away from the mirror. I avoid looking up at reflections in the mall or just generally out in public. I'm sure it's more obvious than I think it's not. but I do it. A few times on my overnight shifts at work I'll be absolutely enthralled by the 2 hour block of infamous infomercials. 6 week body makeover; eat more, exercise less. Lose 30 pounds in 40 days. Drink this shake instead of eating...twice a day!
Good grief, Charlie Scwarzenegger. It gets to be overwhelming. It gets to be all that's on your mind. It gets to be a little obsessive. The dream I had...twice...is just that. A dream. It's not a sign from God Almighty. It's not a vision. It's not the answer to my prayers. It was a dream I had. Twice. Because that's how obsessed I became. I had a dream I made the final cut to be on the Biggest Loser. And as I sat in my little interview tent waiting to be judged, I was horrified by what I heard. Things like:"she used to play hockey. Can you believe that? She thinks she's fast. She thinks she was actually a good skater. Can you believe that?" I looked down at my disgusting self feeling so ridiculed and when I looked down there was nearly nothing to me. I was skin and bones. And as the curtain flew back o reveal 2 trainers and. A former contestant the sound was almost unbearable. The sound of the metal curtain rings scraping against the metal curtain rod. It was the most awful sound. As I waited to hear my fate, the looks on their disgusted faces spoke to me my worst nightmares. They made me get up and do laps bc of how awful I looked. I could barely make it one time around. Not because I wasnt in good enough physical condition but because I was so weak and so small. I woke up so sad. I had the same dream the next night. The ridicule was no less.
I have realized that no matter what I do...I need to do it right. It's not a diet. It's a life change. And it's hard but it's so worth it. And when u feel most like a failure...you're definitely not. Take it from me. My pants sag in areas I never new existed. And I dry my clothes in the dryer hoping the heat will shrink them. I'm not done. I never wil be. But I'm on my way.
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