I figured I may as well write since I have been avoiding it for a very long time now. writing is in my blood. I don't even know why I'm writing. the last time I wrote, I shared about how I experienced somewhat of a dream being lost. I took the leap and applied and interviewed (twice) for a graphic design job. and I wasn't chosen.
most of you know now, I work at Keller Williams -- the largest real estate company -- in the WORLD. The current agent count is at 179,000+ -- and counting.
No. I am not becoming a real estate agent. I will stick to my Fixer Upper reruns on HGTV. But, I can say that the position I was hired in for is not the position I am now doing. I am in my 8th week and time has flown by so extremely fast. I didn't have time to think. By my second day, I was already moved to a new spot ... in the back ... in an office ... where numbers are king and agents run to drop off their commission checks on their closings.
I was scared to death. but I said yes.
I frivolously took notes as I watched the mouse on the screen move from window to window, from spreadsheet to spreadsheet. I hated numbers. I hated math. bc math ... is ALWAYS right. so when you're wrong ... there's no way out of it. you're wrong. and the numbers are always right.
who the hell likes to be wrong? especially when you're, literally, dealing with thousands of dollars every single day. Decimal point here, comma there, deductions over here.
I was so unsure. but I said yes.
2 weeks into my new job, I was starting to wonder what would come of this accounting thing. Because there was a sliver of me that actually enjoyed punching in numbers, seeing those numbers auto populate, and paper clipping together a stack of documents to close out a commission check for an agent.
I have about a 40 minute drive each way to and from work. On the way there, it's usually saturated in prayers, country music, and Taylor Swift. Amen. I still didn't know really what to expect or if I was even good enough to do what I was being taught to do. but I kept saying yes. I learned in a very unhealthy way that holding on does nothing but hold you back. After that second week, I was about to say yes to something else fairly huge in my life - moving out.
it all happened so fast, so seamless. by the beginning of my 3rd week at my new job, I was getting ready to pack up and move out of my house really for the first time. I graduated high school and moved to NY to go to Bible school back in 2005, but I always knew after each year, I'd be going home for the summer. So this was my first time really going for it. I knew I needed to keep saying yes because I would have found every excuse to stay put.
I was scared to death. but I said yes.
I gutted my old room in the basement of my parents' house, trashed things I wouldn't ever use or wear, read through decades old journals, hauled up my mattress and dresser and tv and was ready or not. I can still feel the daunting task of packing looming over me as I reflect on late nights of going through dusty drawers, old journals and little knick knacks I found. day turned to night, then turned to early morning again and I went to bed, wondering what the hell I was doing.
I had to let go of what I thought life would be like in my 30's. I guess I just always thought that I would live at home until I met Mr. "Erica's better half" ... clearly we are battin' a thousand on that one (insert infamous eye roll here).
I didn't even sleep in the apartment for over a week after we had it ... because I just wasn't ready. I didn't want to wake up in a new place. I didn't want to wake up and get ready in a bathroom that wasn't the one I used for the last 16 years. I didn't want to park in a parking spot in front of a big building. I wanted to park in a driveway. the one I have parked in for the last 16 years. I wanted to hear the back and forth of little feet on hardwood as I woke up in my bed.
I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to wake up without seeing 2 beautiful blue-eyed miracle boys every morning. but I said yes.
There are nights I am driving home from work, holding back tears as I drive passed my old house. Telling myself, "you can do it, you can move on, you can have this life." I don't want to falsely convey that I am in any way ungrateful or regretful about the things that have transpired in my life lately. Quite the contrary. There probably hasn't been a day that has gone by that I haven't told Jesus that I am thankful for all the things He has opened for me. And that I will keep saying yes in the face of fear.
Living on my own has inconveniently opened my eyes to see how much I miss the things I used to be comfortable with. It begs and bickers with me to live in the loneliness I suddenly feel. All this on the heels of a holiday we will celebrate called ... 'Mother's Day'
Out of all of them, it's the one that leaves the sour taste of disappointment and emptiness ... from the moment I wake up and talk myself into going to church, until I get to close my eyes that night and feverishly move onto Monday. I don't like going to church on Mother's Day. It will forever be on a Sunday. So it is hard to avoid. I remember celebrating Mothers Day with my grandma who passed away from cancer, her last one. I remember the one the year after that. I skipped church. It's not that I dislike honoring Mothers ... it's that I thought I would have been one by now.
I love how my church showers the mothers there. There is enough love to go around a few times for each of them. But I fight like hell to not let it be a reminder of what I am not. Of course I am a "mom" role model for the kids I get to teach and lead, a role model to my friends' kids, an aunt to my favorite boys. But it will never be the same. In the face of all that I think I should be by now, in the face of all I think has been lost, and in the face of where I think I should be with my life ... I'll keep saying yes.
